scatterbrain

* I leave for Romania TOMORROW. And I need to pack. And I'm nervous and excited. I can't believe it's already time to go! It seems like it's still weeks away, but I'm so looking forward to being there soon. If you remember throughout the week, say a prayer or two or more for us for safety as we travel, good health, and most importantly that God changes some hearts--ours AND the kids we meet. Pray for Rachel Ross, a LCC alum, who we'll be working with in the gypsy village of Tinca. We'll be back on Easter Sunday.

* Have you ever had a ticket from one of those cameras on a stoplight? If so, I'd like to hear about it. I'm paranoid that I might be getting one of those pictures in the mail. I really hope not. I have the absolute WORST luck with tickets, and I'm not that bad of a driver.

* I got to have coffee w/ my good old friend Kunjali from jr. high and high school yesterday in Peoria. It was so good to spend time with a friend that I don't get to see nearly enough and hear how her life will soon be changing when she goes on her RESIDENCY. She's going to be a great doctor...and I'll probably call her w/ all my hypochondriac questions.

* Someone at Apple has seriously mastered the art of discovering new music. I want their job. Have you noticed that any song Apple puts on their commercials suddenly becomes a big hit? If I were a music artist, I'd make it my goal to be on an iPod commercial.

* Speaking of music, I will never get tired of jamming to Bennie & the Jets and laughing at the scene in 27 Dresses. Just saw the movie for the THIRD time in the theater and laughed harder than the first 2 times.

* I can't decide which carry-on to take on my trip...

* I also get to go to Florida for a CIY conference at Panama City Beach less than 2 weeks after I'm back from Romania. I so can't wait for warmer weather.

* I don't think I could ever be Amish...

* In the works of my writing...I'm determined to write something about how people deal with depression and anxiety and how those who have never experienced either don't know how to understand those who do.

* I'm really tired of all of the wannabe cool reality TV dance shows that keep coming out. Because I grew up very involved in dance, I'm quite opinionated about the topic and can spot a good dancer when I see one. I got this email today from "On Camera Audiences" about a new show coming up called Your Mama Don't Dance that will be hosted by Ian Ziering (formerly known as Steve on Beverly Hills, 90210). I am very firm in my opinion that So You Think You Can Dance is the only good dance show where the dancers have actual skill and it's not a popularity contest as is Dancing With the Stars. Also the new show on MTV, America's Best Dance Crew, hardly even shows the groups dancing. I like the concept of dance crews, but it needs some work. And now Bravo is coming out with Step It Up & Dance hosted by Elizabeth Berkley (formerly Jessie Spano on Saved By the Bell). It looks ridiculously cheesy. As will probably be Your Mama Don't Dance. So I will stand by my favorite show, So You Think You Can Dance, even though it only airs in the summertime. Nothing comes close in comparison.

and that's all of my scattered brain that I'll share for now...

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

So, I have the coolest mom in the world...
and I thought I'd just share it with the world since it's her birthday today. That's a picture of us in Vegas this past year (where we celebrated her birthday last March and again celebrated mine in September). While I look semi-crazy in the picture, that's not what's important...my moms looks adorable, because she is, and that's all that matters.

And here are just a few reasons why my mom is the best:

• She's a beautiful woman who looks extremely young to be a mom and a "mimi"...definitely often mistaken as our "older sister"
• She wears cuter clothes than I do half the time
• This past weekend I decided to call her "chubs" because she went from about a size negative 2 to a 4. She's skinny. But don't tell her that--she already knows, for crying out loud! And she's healthy, she's not anorexic, and you have nothing to worry about!
• Who has a mom that cranks up Flo Rida's "Low" on the radio? Mmhmm...that's right. I do. We jammed to it several times in the car and yelled my favorite parts ("with the fur!!!" and "with the strap!!!"--if you don't know, see my post called "Coffee, Tea, and Rap Nonsense")
• She made me. And my sister. And she married my dad, who was also incredibly awesome.
• She's strong, despite what she thinks, but she's made it through an awful lot in life.
• Um, hello...she took me and my sis to Vegas for HER birthday last year...and then me again for mine. How cool is that?
• She is generous and loving and beautiful and fabulous in every way...and she has no idea that she is.

spring is coming...

I just know it, friends...it's coming. The sun has been shining for 3 days now, and that's a good sign. And I couldn't be happier.

Winter does things to me that I don't like. It makes me grumpy, sleepy, and probably other things that are also names of Snow White's Seven Dwarves. Winter is cold and grey and sad and flat and bare. I'm ready for warm and colorful and happy and lively and full.

I know that it snowed last night, and that means it's still cold outside, and that it's supposed to "warm up" this weekend (in IL terms that means like 40 degrees...maybe a high of 50 on Sunday). But I also know that when I go outside I can just feel spring coming. I can smell it. And I might be crazy for saying that when it's still 35 degrees outside right now with snow on the ground, but I know it's coming soon.

I can't wait to see the tulips in bloom for the short few weeks that they're alive and coloring the world with their existence. I think they might be some of my favorite flowers. And I can't wait to drive in my car with the windows down and music playing and the wind tangling up my hair--as annoying as that can be. I can't wait for life to begin anew for another season...

I guess you could just say that today I am hopeful. There is an end to this season of dullness and shivering. And in the midst of winter it's easy to lose that hope, so I'm glad it's returned again. When hope is there, deep down in you, things are good.

free giveaway...

So the other day I found this post listed under the 'free' items on craigslist.

I laughed out loud.

Subject line: snow - (everywhere I look)

Reply to: sale-582341347@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-02-21, 8:30PM CST

I am tired of it come and get all you want

Location: everywhere I look

coffee, tea, and rap nonsense

I'm enjoying a nice evening to myself outside of my apartment tonight. I had to pay a visit to my dermatologist in Peoria, and I always make an evening of it when I have any chance to be out of town. There are plenty more places to enjoy in the city of Peoria than in the little old town of Lincoln, so I'm chilling in a wonderful coffee shop tonight. It's a place called Kade's Coffee & Tea, and they have free wi-fi so I'm extremely grateful to have another location besides Panera where I can relax and enjoy free wireless.

I'm drinking the most wonderful Pina Colada tea and trying to imagine that it's a real pina colada and I'm laying on a beach somewhere and not inside a coffee shop in arctic central Illinois. The smell of this tea is incredible.

There's so much to be said about a good tea and coffee that are brewed correctly. I'm not a coffee connoisseur or even an avid coffee drinker, but I do enjoy a nice flavored coffee (of course jazzed up with loads of cream and sugar or flavoring) once in awhile. I appreciate places that are not Starbucks and that do not purposely burn their coffee beans in the roasting process just to maintain equality in flavor among their franchises. In fact, I just appreciate places that aren't franchises. But that's an entire topic for another day.

I'm learning to love just knowing that my tea is brewed properly by infusion from loose tea leaves. I don't know anything about the process, nor do I own the proper equipment to do it myself, but it makes me feel more cultural I suppose. It seems the flavors are more natural and the fragrance is more aromatic when it's made this way instead of from a measly little teabag that came from a box in my kitchen cupboard. I do love that many of the store brands are beginning to make the little silk sachets of tea instead of a paper bag that seems to leave bits of tea residue in the bottom of my mugs.

So here I sit, on a comfy brown leather couch, enjoying some of Steve Tyrell's jazzy vocals in my ears. It's a good night...despite the fact that I feel handicapped from having blood drawn from my right arm at the dermatologist, so it hurts when I bend it, but that's not interrupting my relaxation. I'm planning to sit and write a bit, probably about more nonsense. Sometimes I just have to write/type out the thoughts floating around in my mind or else they get jammed up somewhere in my brain and I can't think straight anymore. So I'll leave you with these thoughts as I go un-clog the portals in my brain:

(I was reminded of this by my pina colada tea...just so you can make the connection...)
You've gotta love the way rap songs have progressed throughout history. I still crack up every time I hear "Get Low" and they echo the parts of "apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur (WITH THE FUR!!!!)" and "baggy sweatpants and the Reeboks with the strap (WITH THE STRAP!!!!)" I can't figure out who in the producing process decided that the echoes would make it better, but it sure adds to my enjoyment of the song. I'm glad they did it! It's a lot more fun to sing!

My favorite though (getting back to the pina colada thing...) is in the Sean Kingston song "Take You There." Here are the lyrics:
We can go to the tropics
Sip piña coladas
Shorty I could take you there
Or we can go to the slums
Where killas get hung
Shorty I could take you there

Seriously? That's what I said the first time I heard these lyrics. Really? Let's see...in one hand you're offering the tropics...the other hand is the slums where killas get hung...let's see...which one shall I choose? I think if I was Shorty I know which destination I'd choose.

looking forward...

This weekend I'm headed to Louisville, KY to hang out with my BFF Amanda, who recently got engaged to her new BFF Adam. I'm so excited for her and can't wait to be a part of their big day! We're going to try on dresses and do all of the fun bride-to-be things that brides-to-be and their maids-of-honor do. Amanda has been my best friend since I was in 7th grade and she was in 6th, and I think our friendship began in the days of Jr. High Bible Bowl. (yes, we were Bible Bowlers...) If you don't know what Bible Bowl is, it's basically a competition like Academic Team or Scholastic Bowl, but it's with books of the Bible. I now think it's quite a ridiculous thing to compete over knowledge of scripture, but back in the day we thought we were the coolest. More than being IN Bible Bowl, I think we just enjoyed spending the time between our "practices" and youth group rollerblading around the church parking lot and eating microwave popcorn down to the last lick of the greasy, buttery, salty bag.

In less than a month, I'll be going back to Romania to take a team of LCC students to work with Rachel Ross and her ministry in the gypsy village of Tinca. I went with a group last year and we spent a great deal of time with the kids at another ministry, and I'm hoping to see some of their familiar faces in the evenings after we back from Tinca. I think spending a week there this spring will refresh my spirit and renew the joy that the winter seems to steal away from me at times. I mean, how can you not experience joy when you see faces like this cutie??

Other things I'm looking forward to:

• seeing tulips pop up in the spring
• warm weather
• going on vacation somewhere soon
• summertime
• flip flops
• skirts
• wearing my Paris Hilton shades b/c it's so bright
• friends' weddings (my good friend STEPH also got engaged this weekend!!! Hooray!!!)
• hopefully buying a Mac.

about missing people...

Recently I've really been missing my dad. For any of you who don't know, my dad passed away a little over a year ago. It's not like any particular things have made me miss him, but it's just a general feeling of missing him. Part of it is that this season of winter depresses me in general, and so it's easier to get down about even the littlest things like having a fingernail that gets caught on your sweater and snags it or like spilling something all over your kitchen floor. But missing someone in this season of winter is especially hard, because life just feels generally cold and all I want to do is wrap up my heart in a big fleece blanket and warm it with a hot cup of tea.

It's hard to describe not having someone in your life anymore who is a major part of who you are. It's hard to help people understand if they have never lost anyone important to them. Most days it's not something I talk about or even realize in a tangible way, but it's always there in my heart. It just sits in you like a hollow space, this empty hole that used to be filled by someone, but nothing can ever fill that void. Memories and pictures and stories might come close, but they're like puzzles pieces that just don't fit. They're in the same shape, but they're just too small. There's still space left to fill.

When I imagine the sound of my dad's laugh it is the closest thing I can hold in my heart to filling that empty space. It doesn't fill the void, and in fact, sometimes it just reminds me of the void that's there. And sometimes we just need to trudge through the ache of that empty, hollow, wordless place of missing someone...as hard as it may be.

The other night I was working on a puzzle with my 4-year-old niece, Maddy, and I told her that I used to do puzzles with her Mimi and Papa (my mom and dad) all the time in the winter. To that she said, "Sometimes I miss Papa." And I told her, "Yeah, I miss him too." Then she said, "Sometimes I wish we could go see him. But we don't know how to get there." (She couldn't actually remember the word for heaven, so she was stuck until I reminded her of where it is that he is. And she also thinks that heaven is a place you go on an airplane...but she's starting to realize it's not.) So I told her, "Yeah, well we can't really get to heaven yet. Someday we will though and we'll get to see Papa then."

I look forward to that day, and I think sometimes that's all that you can think about to get you through times when you feel empty and like all that's inside of you is frozen, dried up, and hollowed out.


On a much funnier note, here's another story from Maddy that hopefully my sister won't mind me sharing. Last week Cory (my sister) called me hysterically laughing to share with me what my niece had just told her. Cory had given her some change and a dollar to put in her piggy bank, and Maddy pointed out that George Washington was on the dollar. She told Cory that "He helps the people." And just before that, she had looked at the penny and said, "That's Abe Lincoln. He's died." So Cory said, "You're right! That is Abe Lincoln, and yes, he died a long time ago!" In response to that Maddy said quite seriously, "Yeah...I really miss him."

And so it's a season of missing people. Even a 4-year-old senses it. Whether it be Dads, Papas, or Abe Lincoln.

only in Illinois

Right now, it's about 53 degrees Fahrenheit outside with gray skies and it's pouring down rain with about 30 mph winds. We're currently in a Severe Thunderstorm Warning.

Tonight's low is 8 degrees and we're expecting blowing snow.

This is ridiculous.

i wish...

Last night I had a dream that I was on a flight from Chicago O'Hare to Bloomington/Normal and the entire crew from The Office was on my flight. I kept trying to sit next to Jim.

Oh, how I wish that would really happen.

fleeting thoughts about snow and grace

Last night I had a meeting with the students I'm taking to Romania in March, and I stopped in my office to check messages before and after the meeting. When I finally dragged myself out into the freezing tundra of Illinois weather, my car was covered in snow! I didn't even know it had been snowing!

So I got out my scraper/brush combo and started brushing the snow off of my windows and headlights. As I did, it fell ever-so-lightly back onto the ground, where an inch or two had already collected into little pillows of sparkly wonder. I couldn't help but think that the snow reminded me of some magical fairy dust.

Now I'm not a fan of winter in Illinois, and I particularly hate the cold. In fact, today I tentatively decided I'm moving to Fiji where it's warm. But I do love a pretty snow that collects on your eyelashes and brushes off of your car without layers of ice underneath needing to be scraped. I love watching through the windows as it falls under the streetlights with a navy blue backdrop. And I love how snow softly, gently reminds me of grace.

I know I've written about this before, but I think it is God's subtle reminder to me that maybe this is the reason I live in central Illinois--to see the snow and be reminded of His grace. I can't help but think about how one minute the ground can be wet, muddy, and filthy, and an hour later it can be covered in a beautiful layer of white that seems to wash it of all its impurities. But it doesn't stay that way...because any midwesterner with any common sense would know that soon cars, salt trucks, and human feet will trample the ground and dirty the soft white that was once so pure.

But that's the beauty of grace.

It's lavished on us when we're covered in filth and dirt and mud and muck. And like a good rain or snowfall, grace falls and covers over our filth. But then our human nature wins out, and once again our hearts are grimy with pride, selfishness, jealousy, bitterness, anger.

But have you noticed? In the winter, we're bound to get snow. And in all seasons, we're bound to get rain. Precipitation is inevitable. But I think grace is too.

God doesn't withhold it from us. He doesn't take it back. It's always there, just like the fact that it's always raining somewhere on the Earth. (Did you know that? I just learned it. Thanks, Google. I always appreciate the info you find for me.)

I just wish that grace was tangible like big snowflakes...that you could catch it on your tongue or it would get stuck on your eyelashes...that you could ball it up and throw it at people! How amazing would that kind of grace be?! I suppose God didn't intend for it to be tangible...or for it to be thrown at people.

Although I wasn't thinking about the beauty of grace last night when the snow was falling, I am always somehow reminded of it later. Last night I was caught up in my own bitterness because of the cold and anger because I accidentally brushed snow all over the driver's seat, so I had to drive home with a wet butt. But even in those moments, I somehow uncover just a split second of the beauty of it all.

So if just for a split second, the snow can remind me of God's grace, I'll take it.

And now I sort of hope it snows again tonight.

the beautiful mess that is the Church

This past week I've been thinking a lot about the Church.

To be completely honest with you, I haven't felt like I was "home" at any church since I left for college 8 years ago. My home church in Streator was all I knew, and I had no idea my entire perspective and experience with the church would change so much over the course of time. Throughout college and up through now, I have visited several churches, become a "member" at another church, regularly attended a couple others, studied the Church, studied the Bible, led in the Church, and recruited students to BE the church and prepare to LEAD the church of the future. And after all of these things, I realize that the Church isn't quite as simple as the old hand-folding "here is the church; here is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people."

But maybe it is.

I've confused it. I've compartmentalized it. I've tried to classify types of churches and parts of them and there have been all of these lists and containers in my mind that have held ideas about the church. And really, it all boils down to the people. There might be a steeple and a building, but the people are all that matter.

Some recent events in my home church and an episode of Grey's Anatomy this week have really put some things into perspective for me.

Sadly, there are all too often occurrences of ministers who have failed their churches morally. Or maybe, I should say, they have failed their God. They fall to pornography, adultery, homosexuality & molestation (commonly in Catholic churches, it seems...), or an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Unfortunately, no church is free from the attacks of Satan, and neither are people in ministry. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We know this. So why does it come as such a surprise when we find out that someone in ministry has failed? Too often those in ministry are put on a pedestal, much like we put celebrities on a false pedestal, and we expect to see perfection. When we see their failure, it appears more visibly because of this invisible spotlight we've placed on their lives.

Needless to say, there are countless lives out there going through what Britney Spears is experiencing, but only she is suffering from the whole world watching it happen...which surely won't help her get through what she's going through. Similarly, there are leaders in companies, organizations, and churches who fail. And those who once trusted, respected, and followed these people are now impacted and confused by their behavior.

It makes me realize how critical every decision in life truly is. Every choice matters.

This past week we found out some truths about the minister at my home church that have led to his resignation and a torn family all around. Not only are families of the parties involved affected, but the church family is greatly affected. After a church meeting it felt like we were grieving the loss of a life, and it seems we are, in fact, grieving the loss of some spiritual aspect of life or one's morality.

People are hurting. Those who have made poor choices are hurting. The church body is in pain, and it needs healing.

Somehow, in the disappointment of it all, I can see a glimmer of hope and beauty in the way the church comes together. Sadly, I'm sure that some members will leave and some will continue to tear it apart as much as they can with gossip, lies, and unending speculation. Some members will be discouraged and find themselves in doubt and distrust...possibly even a lack of faith. But somewhere in the mess of all of this, I believe that God is working, healing, maybe even performing "surgery" on this body of people to fix what needed to be fixed, to purge what was hurting the body, and to bring healing where healing is needed.

The other night while watching Grey's, I couldn't help but be inspired by the brilliant narration. While scrolling through each character's scenario at the end, this narration in Dr. Bailey's voice was spoken:

"As doctors, we know more about the human body now than at any point in our history. But the miracle of life itself; why people live and die, why they hurt and get hurt is still a mystery. We want to know the reason, the secret, the answer at the back of the book… because the thought of our being all alone down here is just too much for us to bear. But at the end of the day, the fact that we show up for each other, in spite of our differences, no matter what we believe, is reason enough to keep believing."

That last line depicted for me exactly what the Church is and always should be. The fact that we show up for each other, in spite of our differences and beliefs, is reason enough to keep believing. It's reason enough to keep living. We're not alone. And no one is perfect. Everybody hurts sometimes. (enter R.E.M.)

As I reflected on the church meeting that was held this weekend and how so many kinds of people are a part of the church and how different we all are, I realized that it's all just a beautiful mess. It's a tangled web of crazy people. It's full of people who are liars, cheaters, alcoholics, gossips, and druggies. It's full of the rich and the poor, the sick and the healthy, the broken and the joyful, the weary and the strong. And not one is better than the other. We all sit in the same pews at the same level, and we all kneel before the same throne.

I praise God for being the only one who we can hold high above us, on the highest pedestal of all. And I praise Him for being the one who loves this beautiful mess, no matter how messed up it may seem.

happy new year!!!

So I forgot to keep updating on my week, but that's ok. I'm sure you have better things to do than read my blog, and I certainly have better things to do being in New York than to sit and write to let you know WHAT I'm doing.

I'm having a blast w/ the girls, and it's great to be here and have the time to do basically anything I want. Since I've been to New York before, I'm not really doing anything touristy this time, and I get to enjoy the city in other ways. It seems I mostly try to eat good food. I really wish I could steal Rachael Ray's job with $40 a day and Tasty Travels.

Well, I just woke up and Faith just returned from her workout, so I'm off to enjoy my last entirely full day. I'll probably do some more wandering and shopping after she heads to work. Then I might visit the MOMA for an hour or so b/c it's free on Fridays from 4-8. And then, Becka and I are going to the New York City Ballet tonight. And maybe going to sing karaoke after that...we'll see. We tore it up last night w/ our first hurrah of karaoke with an old school Wilson Phillips hit, "Hold On."

So I'll leave you with that image in your mind to enjoy your day.
"yeah I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more dayyyy....
and you break free, break from the chains....."

travel

Well, I'm on my way to New York for a New Year. I'm about to board the plane from Peoria to O'Hare and then finally on my way to the big apple. I'm running on about 30 minutes of sleep and I'm hoping to catch a few Zzz's (do people still say that?) on both flights and once I arrive at Faith & Becka's empty apartment this afternoon.

I really love to travel. I love flying. There's something about being in airports and the idea that everyone is going somewhere. While I sometimes standoffishly sit in my own little world and people watch, I'm always wondering where people are going and what their stories are. It's intriguing to me. And for some reason I love to fly alone. I love the anonymity of traveling alone. I like finding my own way, figuring things out, and making each little part of the trip an adventure.

I'm looking forward to being in the big city but mostly to spend time w/ 2 of my most favorite people in the world--my friends Faith & Becka. The 3 of us vowed to spend every New Years together a few years ago, and we hope to do it for as long as possible! It's a great tradition and it's fun to reflect upon the year past and make plans for the new year. We always have a theme for each new year, but this year's theme title is still TBD.

Well, I'm boarding...I better go! I do plan to document our adventures in the city whenever I have down time and the girls are at work. Talk to you soon!

a breakthrough for the hypochondriac...and crazy neighbors

So I had a breakthrough this week.

I threw up.

No, really. This is a breakthrough for me.

I know you're laughing now, but I'm actually being serious, and I apologize for the disgusting topic of conversation. I'm just being real here.

For probably the last 15 years of my life, I had not thrown up. And because I had gone so long without doing so, it had become my greatest fear in life...and I'm not kidding. My fear of puking has caused me a great deal of anxiety and panic over the years, and I knew someday I'd have to face it. Aside from the reality that I do want to adopt kids someday, for some time I considered adoption solely for the reason that I would avoid morning sickness.

(you're laughing again, I'm sure...or rolling your eyes at my ridiculousness)

I spent this weekend at my sister and brother-in-law's house, and my niece & nephew were sick last Thursday and Friday but recovering in time for me to babysit on Friday night. Sure enough, they weren't fully recovered. I didn't have a problem with being puked on by them or cleaning them up, but I was more scared I'd get it myself.

And Sunday night when I got home, it hit me. From 8:30 that night till about midnight or 12:30, I laid on my bathroom floor in complete misery. No wonder I had feared it for so many years! The good news is, I survived. And that's what I had to tell myself after each time. I had to keep cheering myself on like I was doing a good job between the sweating and chills and pure panic in me.

Thankfully, it didn't last long. Monday and Tuesday I was still pretty weak and achy, but today I feel about 95% recovered and am back to work. Nevertheless, I had to share that I had a pretty big breakthrough this week.

Who would've thought that throwing up would be so monumental?


And in other news, I'm now afraid to do my laundry. In my apt. building there are 6 apartments, and we share a laundry room with 2 washers and 2 dryers. I went in last week to do some laundry, and both washers were in use. So, as usual, I set my basket w/ said laundry, detergent, and dryer sheets on the table in the laundry room and decided to come back in 20 minutes or so to see if the washers were free. They were! But to my surprise, my laundry detergent had been removed from laying atop my clothes in the laundry basket.

So...washers were open, but my detergent was MIA.

Who steals laundry detergent? Now, I've lived there for almost 4 years now, and I've never had a problem with neighbors other than the few random events in which my former neighbor (a young 20 year old or so who happened to have his boyfriends over...) would have raves (yes, literally...I wouldn't have been surprised if there were glow sticks in motion on the other side of my bedroom wall) at 3:30 a.m. That's the only problem I have ever had.

Until now. Now I have thieves for neighbors. There are new people in that same apartment (where said raves were held...) who just moved in not long ago. And they have little kids. Who run up and down the hallway in their apt. during their leisure time I'm pretty sure. That's what it sounds like. I'm not blaming the new neighbors, but I've never before been afraid to leave anything in the laundry room.

So what did I do? I made a note that said "Could whoever took my laundry detergent please return it to the table in the laundry room?" and taped it to the laundry room door, and shut the door so it would be visible. I checked the laundry room 3 times that night (and the door had been opened, so they had seen it) and several times since then. Still no laundry detergent. And they had thrown my note on the floor. ugh! That pushed me right over the edge!

I've never been so mad about something so silly before! It's not even about the detergent. I already bought more. Now I'm afraid I have to sit in the laundry room to keep an eye on my things to make sure they aren't stolen from the washers & dryers!

Somehow I'm trying to figure out what Jesus would do in this situation. I know I'm supposed to love my neighbors as myself...but I don't steal laundry detergent! And did he mean that literally? Do I really have to love my actual neighbors? Even if they're stealing from me? I might have some lessons to learn...

until then, I'm pretty sure I'll be getting laundry detergent for Christmas from my mom and sister who have been laughing at me about my super dramatic apartment life.

o come, o come, Emmanuel...

I feel like this Christmas I'm really praying for our Savior to come as were people 2000 years ago before Christ was born. There is so much hurt and turmoil this year and it's just hitting me today...all in one big slump. And the gray skies and cloudy, foggy, gloomy air don't seem to help much.

Yesterday I watched on the news as CNN and Fox News covered the 2 stories of the shootings in Colorado. One was at the New Life Church in Colorado Springs (which seems to be getting the most coverage, and sadly some reporters can't seem to get over the issue of their former pastor Ted Haggard who was arrested for being with a male prostitute...but this is not the issue at hand, and I'd like to send that in a memo to the reporters), and the other shooting was at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) center in Arvada, CO. The YWAM thing struck me simply because, while I was in Romania last spring, we were there along with a BDTS team from YWAM Denver. Immediately I thought of them. I remember a few of the staff people from their group who most likely lost some dear friends this weekend and will be needing lots of prayer for grief and healing from that traumatic tragedy. I can't imagine being there and seeing that with my own eyes.

This morning, in a meeting, I found out that a friend, Jessica, has a brain aneurysm and is in the hospital. Jessica is a year younger than me and was one of the sweetest, greatest girls at LCC while we were both students. Jessica gives the best hugs in the world...other than Shawn Hunt. Anyhow, I felt pain for her to imagine her in so much intense pain from headaches and fear of what's going to happen. Unfortunately, her aneurysm isn't operable. The good news, though, is that Jess is doing much better tonight and somehow may be released to go home tomorrow! She will be starting a gamma ray treatment in February that will hopefully reduce the size of the aneurysm over the next 3 years. Please be in prayer for her and her husband Jon.

Not much later, at lunch, Lynn Laughlin informed me that he had just found out that one of our students' fathers had 2 brain aneurysms and was in surgery in Milwaukee. I asked who, and found out that it was one of the girls in my spiritual formation group (SFG) that I lead w/ Lindsey. She hadn't been told yet, so we hurried back to campus to find her and talk to her, and we drove her to meet someone from her church in Joliet so she could be there. It was hard to see her hurting and in fear for her dad, because I've been there several times myself. Please pray for Amanda and her dad.

And on top of all of this, it is constantly on my mind that in just 12 short days will mark one year since my dad passed away from an aneurysm in his intestine. Needless to say, I hate aneurysms. I just don't understand them. And I'm not sure they're meant to be understood.

Either way, it has been a dull day, and in the midst of most of America's joyous Christmas celebrations, I find it hard to believe that all the world is celebrating. I think more people than we realize are hurting and in need of prayer. I don't say that to de-value the celebration. In fact, I think the coming of our Savior should be even more anticipated and celebrated! And in these times, I can't help but to think of how all of Israel must have felt 2000 years ago in the midst of turmoil and without hope...but they had been promised a Savior. They were told He would come. And He did. And He will again.

Thankfully.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel
and ransom captive Israel
that mourns in lonely exile here
until the Son of God appear.

O Come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our Spirit's by thine advent here.
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
and death's dark shadows put to flight.

the first snow

So last night as I was having dinner with my SFG at a little restaurant in Lincoln, it began to snow. It was a beautiful moment...almost magical. With my lovely girls, enjoying each other's laughter and presence, and then suddenly it started to snow. After we took some pictures outside in it, I headed home and watched it fall perched in my windowsill. That is one of my favorite things to do. As I sat there, I wrote down some words in my journal that I don't have with me at the moment. But I remembered writing a little poem that I posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2005, and thought I would share it again. Here it is:


the first snow

have you seen it?
no, really, have you seen it?

little flakes of white...
fluttering
floating
flying
freezing

oh, the snow
and fireplaces aglow
makes you not want to go
anywhere

like magic dust
for a little while
until it piles up
and we sled
and we slide
and we ski
and we slip
and we build snowmen
but until then

it's just the first snow.
have you seen it?
have you felt it?

the freezing
frozen
flying
falling
fleeing
flakes
are like little pieces of grace

i love the first snow.

happy birthday dad

Today would be my dad's 52nd birthday.

Even though the picture below is from my birthday, I'd like to remember him like that. Because that's just how fun he was. :)

a few more of my favorite things...

May I add 1 addition to the list?

*singing christmas carols in full voice in good company in a car where people can watch you look ridiculous. Including instrumental parts, and all other sound affects.

Lindsey reminded me that it was missing this morning. That, of course, is one of my most favorite things...especially w/ Lindsey & Chels.

And 2 additions to my "So Cool It's Freezing Winter Mix":
1. Here It Is (Over the Rhine)
2. All I Ever Get For Christmas Is Blue (Over the Rhine)

as soon as I update my version of iTunes, I'll be adding them to the playlist.

these are a few of my favorite things...

I had lofty goals of creating my own version of the song with words that rhyme of my favorite things just for this blog, but instead I'm choosing the lazier option.

This season is a joyful, but now difficult season for my family and me. Last year, my dad passed away 3 days before Christmas, so it makes this year a difficult one of "firsts" without him, except this will be our 2nd Christmas without him. Last Monday, the 19th, would have been my parents' 30th wedding anniversary, and this Wednesday, the 28th would have been his 52nd birthday. With those in mind and the anniversary of his death and Christmas on its way, it's a good time to be reminded of the things that make me smile. So these are just a few...

*fireplaces crackling
*watching the first snowfall at night sitting in my windowsill
*decorating my Christmas tree and listening to my favorite classic Christmas songs
*Christmas in the Chapel at LCC--it's not Christmas until I see it
*watching White Christmas and singing along, wishing I could dance like Vera Ellen
*getting Christmas cards from friends
*the book Cold Tangerines
*New York City on New Years Eve
*thinking about all of the BCG's (for those who don't know what that is, it's my dear "Bible College Girls" from our summer @ Christ in Youth Conferences 4 years ago)
*getting dressed up in fancy dresses for weddings
*adorable babies, like my nephew Evan...
*hilarious kids, like my niece Maddy
*romantic comedies
*popcorn with parmesan cheese on it
*the sound of beautiful piano music
*finding great bargains when I'm shopping
*giving people notes & gifts
*laughing with friends and my family
*playing board games
*road trips
*being in airports & flying places by myself
*discovering new music that I love
*driving around and looking at Christmas lights, wondering what peoples lives are like inside the windows
*good concerts...and not the kind where you stand the whole time...smaller ones that are more intimate
*sweet tea
*the smell of men's cologne
*taking a relaxing bath by candlelight with a glass of Moscato
*doing puzzles on snow days
*hoodies & sweatpants
*my cutout cookies...only my mom's/grandma's recipe
*the feeling of anonymity in a big city
*things that are new
*hearing Christy Nockels sing
*reading the thoughts of good writers on their blogs
*making a good homemade meal
*hearing encouraging words or getting a note or package from someone
*gospel choirs
*photography that isn't posed and captures a moment in time...someone in mid-laughter, people hugging, poster-like scenery, abstract things
*homemade vanilla ice cream
*seeing old people holding hands
*weddings of people that truly get what marriage is about
*dancing
*the sweet faces of the kids in Oradea, Romania that I'll get to see again in March
*listening to someone who can really preach...my faves are probably Jon Weece (Southland Christian Church in Lexington, KY), Mike Breaux (Willow Creek), and JK Jones (right here at LCC).


I could probably go on and on with some of my favorite things, but I'll save it for another time, and maybe next time I'll put it into a song. So while you celebrate this season, what are a few of your favorite things?

Tonight as I put up my tree, I'll be enjoying some of my favorite tunes, and as of today, this is my official playlist of favorites for the season. I think I'm going to name it the "So Cool It's Freezing Winter Mix." Here it is (in no particular order):

1. Merry Christmas Darling (The Carpenters)
2. O Come Emmanuel (The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir)
3. O Come All Ye Faithful (Eliot Morris)
4. Tennessee Christmas (Amy Grant)
5. I'll Be Home For Christmas (Michael Buble)
6. Mistletoe (Colbie Caillat)
7. I Celebrate the Day (Relient K)
8. Step Into Christmas (Elton John)
9. Joy to the World (Jim Brickman)
10. One Child/O Come All Ye Faithful (Natalie Grant)
11. The Angels Medley (Avalon)
12. Baby It's Cold Outside (Steve Tyrell)
13. Lights On the Tree (Sufjan Stevens)
14. Oh Christmas Tree (Jim Brickman)
15. River (Rachel Yamagata)
16. O Come, O Come Emmanuel (Bethany Dillon)
17. This Christmas (Elliott Yamin)
18. Christmastime (Michael W. Smith)
19. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Gavin DeGraw)
20. Jesus Oh What A Wonderful Child (Mariah Carey)

And that's that.

I'm off to trim the tree...whatever that means!

feeling the fall...

I'm really feeling the fall today. It's cold and windy and it's the first weekday that I'm leaving work and it's already dark outside. (Darn Daylight Savings Time...) Anytime I went outside today the wind seemed to blow right through my bones, and I literally did a little tap dance under the heater vent in my kitchen at lunch to keep me warm while I heated up water for some hot tea (Harney & Sons Chocolate Mint tea, to be exact...you need to try it.).

On certain days I let the cold weather of fall and winter get the best of me. Because it lasts so long and dreadfully feels like an eternity until the sun shines again in May, I always feel so stagnant and gray. I do enjoy the evenings where I can sit in my apartment, burn my Autumn Walk candles, cover up with a fleece-y blanket, drink my Chocolate Mint tea, and try my best to cover my dad's recipe for the best chili ever.

What I'm finding is that my life really isn't all that stagnant and gray. It's full of vibrant colors that I just happen to notice every once in awhile, but not on a regular basis. I just finished a book called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, and I HIGHLY recommend it to you. It's all about celebrating life and living it out even when it feels like all we do is pay bills and check our email and eat peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for lunch and follow the routine of our everyday life.

She wrote one chapter about a red tree that she saw in the fall, and I happened to read it just while the leaves on the trees were changing here. I couldn't help but realize how in past years I had seemingly missed the beautiful colors of the fall in the midst of my hatred for the cold weather's arrival. And suddenly this year, I've begun to notice the colors. And I hope I can continue to notice the colors...not only of the changing leaves on the trees, but in the life around me...the lives around me.

What often seems dead and dull is really full of life and color.
What seems cold and gray can be warm and vibrant.
What seems boring and mundane can remind you of purpose and simplicity.

On my way back from lunch I drove down one of the brick roads in Lincoln and noticed the yellow and orange trees above were starting to lose their leaves. They were gathering in the streets, and all I could think about was jumping in them. That's what I want to do.

Jump in the leaves.

now walk it out...

This video is so funny...thanks to my SFG girls who showed us this in SFG today! Haha. Not so much a "spiritually forming" video, but it sure provides some good laughs!

Aunt Mandy

So I decided to write right now while the house is still quiet, because in about an hour or so I might be slightly busy. This week I'm babysitting my niece & nephew, Evan & Maddy, while Cory & David (my sister and brother-in-law) are in Hawaii. David got chosen through his work to go on this trip, because he's been doing really well, so they are enjoying a beautiful place for one week while I'm being a great sister by babysitting the kiddos. :) I'm now realizing how well-deserved this vacation is for them.

I really can't figure out how single mothers, well, single parents, I should say, of multiple children survive. I think one child would be manageable, but two is an entirely different story. Thankfully, Mimi (my mom) came to visit yesterday and help out all day. Without her I might have lost my sanity within the first 24 hours. The kids are behaving really well, so it's not necessarily that or my impatience. In the first day, though, we already had to take Evan to PromptCare because he had a fever from an ear infection and an upper respiratory infection. By the time we got to their regular pharmacy, it was closed for the day...so we journeyed to a different one to attempt filling his prescription there, which turned into my mom being in Wal-Mart for what seemed like hours while I entertained the kids in the car. And today, Evan and I dropped Maddy off at daycare, but I had to stay home w/ him due to him having a fever. Hopefully tomorrow he can go, so I can go back to work.

While doing this is quite challenging, I kind of enjoy the challenge. I like seeing if I can do it to know if I'll be prepared one day when I have kids of my own. And I've never learned to appreciate the peace and quiet at the end of the day quite like this before. There's nothing like the end of the day when two precioius faces are finally asleep and you get a few moments to yourself. I know that will be the biggest adjustment when I become a parent someday, because I'm used to spending my time however I want. I now realize the sacrifices that parents make...and only to a small extent, because I'm only doing this for one week!

It's bound to be an adventurous week...with a sick, but extremely happy 5-month-old, and a chatterbox, imaginative storyteller, 4-year-old who is going on 20. Actually, she told me the other night that she's 28 and she was going to go hang out with boys. (Cory and David, look out!) And if I can manage to change the darn crib sheet every day, it will be a miracle...that's the only thing I have managed to get upset about, because fitted sheets seem to be in a constant, waging war against me...along with Saran Wrap. I hate those 2 things.

Well, I hear a little boy waking up in his swing...Aunt Mandy to the rescue!

karaoke superstar?

"2 posts in one day?" you ask? Yes.

Since I just got out of the car and came in my office to drop off my college fair things, I thought I'd also let you know something about me. Often I get asked what I do while I'm driving to and fro in the midst of college fair season and other road trips. While my dear friend Becka strongly encourages me to listen to NPR, I continue to choose music. It is, after all, one of my most favorite things. And in case you didn't know, I'm quite the singer when I'm in the car by myself. And you wouldn't know that unless you happened to place a hidden camera in my vehicle, because it's just not the same when people are in the car. I jam, folks. And while I'm quite the karaoke superstar in the car, I've yet to get up on a stage somewhere in public and do it.

And just for fun, here are some of my recent faves to jam to in the car:

• that new song, Paralyzed, by Finger Eleven. There's just something about it that seems brilliant to me...I'm not sure what. It's not the lyrics, though, b/c I still can't figure out what it really means.
• Miranda Lambert's songs Kerosene and Famous in a Small Town--that girl can sing her heart out.
• anything by the Steve Miller Band or The Doobie Brothers...they take me back to the old days of listening to them on actual records...on a record player...with a needle...and they remind me of my dad.
• Foreigner's Love Isn't Always On Time. (quite possibly the story of my life? j/k...) seriously...just recently I keep finding this on the radio and rocking out to it. but i keep turning the electric guitar parts into drums in the air and on my steering wheel instead.
• Elton John...Tiny Dancer. Except you have to sing it the way Phoebe does on Friends..."Hold me closer, Tony Daaanzaaaa...." I heard it 3 times today in the car, and it never gets old.
• Billy Joel...Piano Man. It's just classic. Reminds me of last call at a bar, or a swaying circle of friends at a wedding reception, and it makes me want to raise a glass and say "cheers" :)
• sadly, I'll admit that I actually jammed to My Humps by the Blackeyed Peas tonight.
• Dierks Bentley's song Free and Easy Down the Road I Go...just makes me slap my leg and singalong every time.

So these are just the ones I remember singing to today...what are your favorite jams in the car?

when is it due???

I will have you know that I'm wearing a "pregnant-looking" shirt today, despite the fact that the last time I wore a dress that did NOT in fact make me look pregnant, someone thought I was.

We'll see how today goes...

:)

(if you have no idea what i'm talking about...scroll down to read my previous blog entitled "um...really?")

fall-ing

I'm feeling inspired by my friend Chantell's recent post about fall, so I decided to do it as well. Normally, I really dislike the coming of fall, because it means that cold weather and winter are quickly approaching. The seasons of cold weather feel like a dark, cold cave that it takes lightyears to find your way out of, and it always makes me feel a little claustrophobic. I love sunshine and warm weather and icy drinks on hot days, and it seems like it lasts for such a short time.

However, I'll admit that this weekend fall is growing on me...it sort of feels like it's wrapping me up in a big cozy blanket to welcome me in. And while I'd like to run backwards into summer, I have no other choice but to make myself comfortable and try to enjoy this season. (I think this might not only apply to seasons of weather but also these changing seasons of life...)

While summer will always remain my love, and this short-lived crush I'm having on fall surely won't last long, I'm enjoying a few of its characteristics:

-the colors of the leaves and how they remind me of puzzles
-the smells of bonfires in the distance at night
-the warmth of my big, cozy, comfy hooded sweatshirts
-the taste of all things apple, cinnamon, or pumpkin--apple cider, my mom's pumpkin bars, pumpkin spice lattes/frappuccinos, caramel apples, apple pie...
-my Gold Canyon candles from mom that smell like I'm at home...particularly Autumn Walk, because it reminds me of a man's cologne, but of course those that smell like apple, cinnamon, and pumpkin to remind me of baking
-the feeling that it's ok to lay around and do nothing all day on a saturday in the fall
-the urge that I feel to do some baking
-just the feeling of being in my apartment with the lights off, candles burning, and either reading, watching a movie or TV, or laying in a warm bath and relaxing

So I'm pretty sure I'm going to do all of these things this weekend. It's truly a fall weekend. After a long and difficult week of grieving my grandma, yet celebrating her life, and after being gone so much for work lately, I'm looking forward to enjoying a fall weekend. And I plan to bake a pie simply in honor of my Grandma Shirlye...with the candles burning...with a hoodie on...after taking some pictures of the pretty trees.

um...really?

so tonight at my grandma's visitation, my grandma & grandpa's neighbor lady was hugging my sister and me and then put her hand on my stomach and said "when is it due?"

uh. yeah.

i said..."i'm not pregnant."

i've gotta stop wearing those babydoll dresses & shirts that make skinny people look pregnant.

Grandma Shirlye

Shirlye A. Keen 1934-2007

Shirlye A. Keen, 73, of Streator, died Sunday afternoon, Oct. 14, at Heritage Manor Nursing Home in Streator. Funeral services will be at 11 a.m. Thursday at Central Church of Christ with the Rev. Mark Upchurch officiating. Burial will be in Phillips Cemetery in Streator. Visitation will be from 4 to 7 p.m. Wednesday at Solon, Baker & Telford Funeral Home in Streator and one hour prior to services Thursday at the church.

Mrs. Keen was born May 17, 1934, in Grundy County, to Newt and Agnes (Garvin) Mathison. She married Robert L. Keen on Aug. 19, 1963, in Streator. She attended Dwight High School. She was a selector for Owens-Illinois Glass Company for many years and was a cook at Woodland School. She was a member of Central Church of Christ, where she was involved with funeral luncheons and vacation Bible school.

She is survived by her husband; a daughter, Leann Liptak of Streator; a son, Robert L. (Tina) Jr. of Streator; a stepdaughter, Irene Cripe of Streator; four grandchildren, Shelby and Taylee Keen, Cory Kreitzer and Mandy Liptak; two stepgrandchildren, Rick Cripe and Jennifer (Jim) Pottala; two great-grandchildren; two stepgreat-grandchildren; and two sisters, Ramona Oelschlager of Streator and Mardell Carter of Dwight.

She was preceded in death by one sister, Audrey Farero; one brother, Wendell Mathison; and one son-in-law, Richard Liptak.

Pallbearers will be Dave Vickers, David Kreitzer, Keith Girard, Rick Cripe, Glenn Miller and Jerry Martin.

Memorials may be directed to Central Church of Christ.

And if I may add any other words about my grandma, they would be this:

She was the sweetest lady anyone might have ever known. She probably couldn't have hurt a fly. One of the most selfless, compassionate, generous, giving hearts, my grandma always put other people before herself--even if it was just by worrying about them! We will remember plenty of funny things she said--before AND during Alzheimer's. I surely will carry on her delicious pie-making and baking skills, but I'm sure mine will not compare. She endured so many struggles in her life but overcame, and I know that she clung to Jesus all the while. I'm thankful that she and my mom used to WALK to church as my mom grew up, and my mom continued in her faith...which leads to where I am today. I know that heaven threw a party on Sunday, because they just welcomed home a lady whose heart has been there for years. Praise God!

lately

i'm pretty busy. you might hear me complain, but i'm really not complaining on the inside. i'd much rather be busy than bored. and i'm much too lazy to capitalize any letters right now, so please excuse me while i give into the pressure of using entirely lowercase letters.

at the moment i'm laying on my very large king sized bed at the hilton indian lakes resort in the suburbs of chicago. (don't worry lincoln...i got it for an extremely low price on priceline...) it feels good to just lay here. i had campus visit day all day at lincoln and a college fair tonight. this week i'll be residing here at the hilton due to college fairs every single night until i head home late thursday night. and then friday i'm driving to the "city of progress"--heath, ohio--for my friends' wedding.

and now, because i'm absolutely too tired to think about anything else, and because i like to share my favorite things with people, this is a bit of what i'm watching and listening to lately:

watching:

Brothers & Sisters on ABC...Sunday nights @ 10/9c. I have no idea why I didn't watch this all last season, but I'm catching myself up by renting Season 1. Last week after I watched this season's premiere episode, I woke up the next morning actually worried about the Walker family. You know you're too into a TV show when you're worried about a fictional family.

The Office. Come on folks, if you're not watching this, you're missing out. And if you don't think it's funny, then you haven't watched long enough...OR you have a strange sense of humor. Thankfully every week is filled with new quotable lines. Otherwise, I'd worry that it would become the next Napoleon Dynamite of comedy...so overused that it's not really that funny anymore.

The Hills on MTV. I can't figure out why I just love to watch the lives of real people in southern California, but I do. I just like Lauren. I think we'd be friends.

Tori & Dean: Inn Love on Oxygen. I'm about 3 weeks behind on this show, but I am hoping for a marathon sometime soon. Tori Spelling & her husband Dean are pretty hilarious. They're actually really charming and funny people to watch! If you haven't seen it, check it out. As if we all need another show to be addicted to...

OK...now that i'm really tired from posting those, i'm going to bed. tomorrow if i'm bored between things i'll make my list of music faves these days. i'm sure you can't wait!

(and i realized that by the end of this post i did actually use capital letters...sometimes i just can't escape good grammar even when i try.)