Today, this is what I fear:

-that I will not get to spend time in the beautiful summer sunshine that's dancing across a sky as blue as this shade.
-that I will not get a nap and will continue to be tired forever
-that I have arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome and my hands will continue to hurt daily for some reason....it's weird and it's really bothering me...I almost cried today.
-not getting things done that I need to get done (seminary homework, house church retreat planning, making my famous banana bread for women's discipleship tomorrow, etc.)
-that someday as a leader I will breakdown (that's what we talked about in shaping the heart of a leader today so now i'm paranoid)
-that I will not get to marry Matt Wertz (i know, ridiculous)
-that I will forget to do something somewhere
-not spending enough time with the Lord
-focusing too much on being a Martha (see Luke 10:38-42)

I know I have no reason to fear. However, I still do.

Tidbits...

-This color is the exact color of my shirt today.

-I woke up w/ Aerosmith's song "Livin' on the Edge" in my head today...what? I have no idea but it was in my head.

-I really like Jeremy Cowart's photography a lot. Check out www.pixelgrazer.com and look at their portfolios of the work they've done for artists like Matt Wertz (of course), Bethany Dillon, Dave Barnes, Shawn McDonald, Andy Davis, Ginny Owens, Shaun Groves, etc. Good stuff...creative and raw. I like it.

-I added a counter to my blog so I can see how few people really look at my blog. Just thought it would be fun!

-House church tonight

-Can't wait to put up my Christmas tree...forgot to bring it back from home this weekend!

Weekend Update:

Right now I'm enamored by two things: how great God is and how small I am. That he could hang the stars and call them each by name and still reach down, so far down, to us on earth--I'm stuck without words. His hands have to be so big. All I can even think or pray is this: "Make yourself real to me."
Because it all seems so unreal sometimes.

And because I'm on a Matt Wertz high from his wonderfully, completely acoustic, unplugged, and unbelievable show in St. Louis on Friday, I'll let his words sink in about the splendor of our Maker.

All I Know
I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and there is day
I don't know how you spoke into the black
and made it all be

All I know
is the bleeding in my heart
and the healing in your touch
All I know
is that you gave everything
so let that be enough...
it's all I know, it's all I know

I don't know how your love works
Or how you cover me in grace
I don't know how you swallow all I am
when I can't stand my taste

I can't explain your mystery
but I know the answer

The part I'm stuck on is this: "I don't know how you swallow all I am when I can't stand my taste." That's a gracious God.

Shaping the Heart of a Leader--I'm finding pieces of truth in reflection that fit together like a puzzle...I'm still somewhere on the outside pieces I think.

Today's theme in class: Commonplace.

Basic idea: Nothing is ordinary. Everything is sacred. Simple as that. There is no secular vs. sacred.

Last night: Had to teach myself to suck it up in the battle of selfishness vs. selflessness.

Also last night: Saw David Crowder, Shawn McDonald, and Mutemath in Lisle...yet another example of the beauty and power of music. It is so beautiful. It meets me where I am and fills the empty space between me and heaven... note: emphasis on the MUSIC not on the PEOPLE.

Annoying: Emphasis on the PEOPLE and not the MUSIC. I had to fight the urge to strangle those concertgoers screaming "ohmigosh this is my favorite song!" or waving their cell phones in the air to capture the moment. At one time I was in their shoes, wanting to savor those moments as mountaintop experiences and live in constant concerts of worship, but that's not reality. Reality is worship there and in the valleys and everywhere in between. We don't need a David Crowder or a Chris Tomlin or a Matt Redman or a Shane & Shane (as much as I'd love to sing w/ them every night of my life) in order to worship. They're just ordinary people being faithful to their call. And that brings me to my next soapbox...autographs. I could go on for days...honestly does any good come from having a person's signature? If anyone has input on that I'd love to hear it, b/c I don't see much good in an autograph. Especially w/ musicians...the music itself is the signature.

Signature of Matt Wertz:
Here are words to his song "Yesterday Morning" that I found to be a signature on my heart last night while driving.

Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down
Getting out of bed never felt so difficult before
Every step she took led to the wrong direction
And she never made it out her door
Yesterday morning Jamie yielded to all she hates
But if she despises it so much why did she give in
Seems like this battle just can’t be won
And she’s stuck there alone again.
She said I’m so tired of this stumble that I’ve been calling a walk
And so I’m sick of this mumble that I’ve described as a talk
And now I guess its time I lose myself
To the one who has found me here
Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down
All that she knew or thought she knew flew out that door
Things she loves so easily forgotten
Now Jamie can’t love no more
She said I’m so tired of this stumble that I’ve been calling a walk
And so I’m sick of this mumble that I’ve described as a talk
And now I guess its time I lose myself
To the one who has found me here

Wondering...
What really makes me get out of bed each morning?
In a room so dark I just would rather sleep.
Is it just the November season of life?

Wandering...
Where am I and where am I going?
Am I even good at what I'm doing?
I feel stuck in mid-seasons of life...
unsure.

Watching...
Other people--am I like them?
Are they right and I am wrong?
Am I right and they are wrong?
Are we in the same place?
Have I lost the ability to love?

Waiting...
Moving from uncertainty to solidity.
From stumbling to walking, mumbling to talking,
From fear to faith.

I just left a comment on my buddy Phil's blog about how I feel like life is one big question mark right now. I question and second guess everything--from my job & ministries (am i really where i should be?), to my own personality & gifts (who in the heck am i?) to my relationships with family & friends (am i loving enough the people already in my life?). Those are just a few. Of course there are many more that I can't even put into words really...they're just floating around in my world waiting to be formed, asked, and answered.

One of the reasons I'm wondering if I love enough the people already in my life is this-- I think I have ADD now. Seriously. When I am surrounded by lots of new people I have a hard time focusing on one conversation. I'm starting to do the one thing I hate--look around and not pay attention or listen when other people are talking to me b/c i'm too busy looking around or stopping other people to talk to them at the same time. Why in the world do I do that? It's something I do too easily at Fuel b/c there are so many different people there that I want to talk to that I have a hard time focusing on just one at a time. I SO need to work on that.



Furthermore, here's something I read last night in a seminary book that I'd really like to think about:

"There are no small obediences. Every yes further ingrains the heart with the character of Jesus."

I will try my hardest to live with a constant attitude of 'yes' and hopefully my heart will slowly begin to change to become more like Jesus.

Things that have warmed my soul since my bad mood last night:

1. Good friends like Chelsea and Darcie...
2. Good talks with good friends...always involving venting of course.
3. Sleep
4. And finally, the gorgeous, bright, golden sun this morning. Almost blinding, but nevertheless it still warmed my soul.

I'm in a horrible mood right now. I've decided, 'what better thing to do than to blog?' (apparently when you're quoting your own thought you have to use these: ' and ') I'm ticked that after an entire day of work all I want to do is lay around my apartment and do nothing at all but watch a movie or read or drink peppermint tea and chill...but instead I find myself back in my walk-in-closet-sized-cubicle at work b/c it's the only place I can escape to while I wait to hang out w/ my friend Chels.

I also hate not being able to vent my feelings w/o the fear of hurting the feelings of others. That's so annoying. I hate being a people-pleaser. Being a "golden retriever" sucks. Sometimes I just wish I could be a tiger or something fierce. Sure, everyone loves a golden retriever, blah blah blah. Whatever. I just want to be a tiger today. So I'm being one in my blog and not in real life.

I have never liked the color purple much. For some reason today it looks pretty!

Here's what I'm learning and what I'm thankful for right now:

-God is so gracious and merciful...why don't I see that enough? His grace is the only thing that can make me clean! Ms. Pearl shared her testimony last night at Focus and really opened my eyes to the power of grace.

-Girl time--what an incredible blessing! It's awesome to see how friendships begin with finding something in common with someone...from that bond a friendship grows and ministry takes place. It happens with my friends--new and old, it's beginning to happen w/ my SFG, it happened this week in my house church, and I love to see the way girls can minister to each other. There's something truly valuable there that just isn't the same with guys.

-The truth really does set you free! Be free!

(note: the following things i've learned are much more shallow than the above)

-Don't ever try to take a cake out of a bundt pan before it's completely cooled or only half of it will come out.

-I'm thankful for my winter coat that I really love...and that I only bought it for a couple dollars at a garage sale last summer!

-I'm also thankful still for Bethany Dillon's songwriting and talent. Saw her saturday night and told her how much I appreciate her. There's something about her that is so impressive.

-I'm thankful that the election is over for the following reasons:
1. I don't have to see all the crap on TV anymore.
2. I don't have to worry about what to do when I vote...(i was a first-time voter this election...wasn't registered yet 4 years ago, so I was a little unsure of what to do...not a big deal)
3. I don't have to listen to the way conservative Christians ignore everything else just because George W. is a Christian.
4. I also don't have to listen to the Christians who try so hard to be culturally relevant that they try to rebel and say they're going to vote for Kerry. (i don't know if this really happened but some people acted like it.)
5. I'm sick of hearing people who don't like Bush say that he isn't a good leader because he may not be as smart. Well, you know what? I'm sure he was quite distracted trying to run a country and still campaign on top of that! Give him some credit people! He's exhausted! If he wants to have long pauses in between words or sentences, who cares!
6. Bush may not be the best president in the world, but there is no one who will be perfect. No one will ever please 100% of Americans, unfortunately, but I do believe Bush will do a heck of a lot better job running this country than Kerry!

That's my 2 cents.

Finally finished Blue Like Jazz last night! WOW. I was so hurrying through it so I can get to Donald Miller's next book, "Searching for God Knows What." Such a great book though. I don't think any writer has ever captured my thoughts and feelings and put them into words as well as he did. And even though a lot of those things were things I maybe thought prior to reading them, I never really made them solid in my head (if that makes sense) or was actually challenged by those thoughts. Incredible communicator? Yes, Donald Miller, that's what you are.

Also had some incredible insights from two guys who are a part of this house church "movement" thing and got the chance to see how they "do church." (please excuse my over-use of quotation marks) I also hate describing it as a movement, because movement just has some culturally relevant negative connotation with it. I don't know, it just seems like calling house churches a "movement" makes them more of something that's hip and cool and fad-ish. I'd rather say that the house church thing is a vision than a movement. I like the terminology there much better.

I realized so much through talking with those guys how much we need to BREAK OUT of the stupid box that we often keep our minds in on what CHURCH really is. It is so not a building, it's so not a service, and it's so not what we really classify under its very title. It's the community that takes place. It's the way that Scripture calls for each person to bring something different to the table. I love how we can tie in the breaking of bread and actually eating a meal with family and with community. When a family eats a meal together, they create community. Someone last night said something about a "potluck dinner, potluck worship" and I think that is so beautiful. Absolutely profound. If you think about it, each person who brings something to a potluck dinner brings something completely different (even if it's called the same thing, you know it tastes different!), and it's the same way with worship. We each contribute in a different way. That's what the church seriously needs to capture, and I think some churches are doing that. The church is defined by those who make up that community--the different personalities, gifts, thoughts, ideas, philosophies, talents, theologies, etc. that are brought to the table. And I mean this not to make it sound like church should be completely relative and unbiblically postmodernist. The church can be this and still be biblical. In fact, that's what the church in the Bible began as! Why have we gone so far astray? How did we get there and how do we find our way back to Acts 2?

Thoughts on this? I'd love to hear comments...

Behind tired eyes...

Back to Lincoln tomorrow...I've had a nice break away from there, even though I've only been home in Streator for the time away. Well, to Streator, back to Bloomington, back to Streator, to Seneca, Morris, & Joliet today, and back to Streator tonight. I've been living out of my packed bags, and hate that but yet can't get away from it. It will be nice to return, finally, to my apartment tomorrow!

I have the most beautiful & hilarious niece in the world. This morning as I was half asleep and she was getting ready to go to the babysitter's, I heard her say "Mandy" completely for the first time! I have only heard her call me "Manny" before so it was cute. I just love her little conversations with herself and with everyone else...especially the way she ends an incredibly long story of foreign gibberish with "yeah, yeah, yeah" as if she's admonishing the words she's just spoken. She's just so darn cute and innocent...taking after me :-)

Other random stuff---
-I want my hair cut like Meg Ryan's in Kate & Leopold. I think I'll do that this week.
-I'm going to Arizona from Dec. 27-Jan. 2 as of this morning. The house church leaders w/ Fuel are going together to the Indian reservation to meet the couples we're supposed to be supporting.
-I have a serious problem with shopping...or at least I have a serious problem w/ the guilt that follows my shopping.
-My friends Becka & Faith want me to move to Cali next year...tempting...but then there's my ministry w/ Fuel...and my family...things I don't know if I can leave.
-Jobs I'd love to do these days: wedding coordinator, songwriter, music journalist, something in advertising, photography....ok so these are things i'd love to do any day, not just these days. but how in the world do i get there?

I love to be inspired. Tonight I realized that I am extremely inspired by reading other people's blogs. It's like a guilty pleasure. I wonder why the inspiration comes more from reading blogs than actual good conversations with people. Maybe it's because we're more open when writing...unsure of who will ever hear our thoughts, or if anyone will ever even see them. I'll always revert the blogosphere back to Meg Ryan's idea of sending our thoughts "out into the void" as in the good ol' chick flick You've Got Mail. I never quite know whether anyone is going to read these things or not. If no one read this, or even if multitudes and metropoli (?) read my blog, why in the world should I care?

It's like I always hold something back, but not always knowingly. I'm not sure what it is, but I just want my heart to flow freely from my fingertips and from my mouth. It's much easier to find it in my fingertips than from my mouth, but I suppose it will eventually make its way out there. Either way, it's still coming from me.

I think this is a part of my gradual learning about being free. This week as I read to my house church from my journal the previous night, I told them that God has been teaching me about freedom lately. It's like this message that just keeps unraveling further and further. The "theme" this week at Fuel was actually "Conviction in a Tolerant World" but there was much there to be learned about freedom instead. As a part of the 'unraveling' process this week, I realized how little conviction has to do with guilt, shame, sin, judgment, and all other negative connotations that go with it. In reality, conviction is a message of truth and freedom. It's about our faith in general, and about having a conviction for the person of Jesus Christ. Conviction is something that takes place in the heart prior to any future sin; this is contrary to most Christians' belief that conviction is what takes place after you've done something "wrong" and you feel guilty for it. Conviction drives us toward repentance before we even need it. It drives us to the uttermost humility that Jesus was and is.

So where does the freedom message come in? It's just that! I'm not guilty of anything anymore, because Jesus humbly took that on for me! Normally that should drive me to humiliation and embarassment because I'd be completely ashamed of myself for departing my burdens and sins onto someone else, but because Jesus lives for that very purpose, I'm free instead! What an incredible trade!

Don't you love when I flesh out my thoughts onto my blog? I think it's necessary for me to figure out who I am in the long run.

My question is this: Why can I write about all of these things and still it would take all of Home Depot to hammer and nail it to my heart and build it into my life? What in the world am I missing?

I'm such a dork...sometimes I like to coordinate my font color w/ the colors I'm wearing or thinking about. I'm wearing some new red pants today so I figured I'd write in this lovely shade of red. Reminds me of the pretty leaves on trees that I get to see so often while driving to all these college fairs lately! I do love driving by myself, I must admit. I have such a great time just blasting my favorite CD's and singing harmonies as loud as I want. I honestly think I have trained myself to sing better & better when I'm driving in the car! It's one of my favorite things to do! I'm realizing lately that singing is seriously one of the things that makes me most happy. I'm so jealous of people who play, sing, & write music, love it, and get paid to do it.

Here's what I listened to yesterday in the car:
*Starfield
*Shawn McDonald "Simply Nothing"
*The Swift
*Bethany Dillon (self-titled)
*old school Plumb CD, "Candycoatedwaterdrops"
*Hillsongs United Live "Best Friend" CD
*Matt Wertz, "23 Places"

I'm pretty sure I'm leaving work early today...it has been so busy lately that I'm just exhausted. Dr. Searby even came in to tell me that I can leave @ 3 if I want to... that was nice of him! (Even though I have lots of extra hours that I could probably have done so w/out permission, it was nice of him to say that as my boss!) I can't wait to go home and put on some comfy clothes! I never thought I'd dream of wearing sweatpants & a hoody, but I sure do on rainy days like today!

Fall is here!

I hate this in-between weather when I don't know whether I can still wear skirts, capris, flip-flops, and sandals or not. But you know what? I'm going to anyways! As long as I can w/out freezing my bottom off!

Life is so busy! My weeks are flying by! There's something every single night it seems like...college fairs, working late, Fuel house church, Missionary Convention, people coming over, concerts, etc. It's a good busy at least! I got a new car last Saturday! It's a 2003 Ford Focus and it's Sangria Red. I like it a lot.

Last night was a wonderful night...why? Matt Allman, Adam Brucker, & Tony Collins came over to make Chelsea, Tammy, and I dinner and it was so much fun! We had a little 6-person romantic candlelit dinner in our living room on a blanket...hilarious b/c none of us are dating, it was just fun! We talked about Christmas time coming soon and I'm excited for the season to begin! Can't wait to break out my old school Amy Grant, Steven Curtis Chapman, Michael W. Smith, & Avalon Christmas CD's. Those are classic to me. Cheesy or not, they = Christmas music to me. Ahhh....the sweet sounds of the season. I don't look fwd. to the cold but I look forward to the sounds & smells!

The difference between turning 21 and turning 22: you have to be an adult and actually work like a normal adult. I learned that Tuesday! Oh well.

Life update: learning lots about myself in lots of ways and thinking about that...not in a selfish way but learning about my personality, my DiSC profile, etc. in class is so beneficial! Such a crucial part of shaping my heart!

Looking forward to: Matt Wertz & Dave Barnes...tomorrow night!!!! 8:00!

Looking to buy: a new car...very soon. The old one is only worth twice what it would cost to fix it so i'm speeding up the process.

Excited about: Cory & David moving to Bloomington!

Listening to: Dave Barnes...gotta be prepared for tmw night!

Thinking about: how I shouldn't have stayed out till 2 a.m. w/ Chels, Darcie, Adam, and Greg last night. Way too late for an old lady like me.

Overwhelmed: Lots of visits to schedule & busy work days!!!

Fun at work: last night's college fair @ Parkland! Good times! Met a cute A.C. from Olivet! He was super nice and loves my boys Matt Wertz and Shane & Shane too!

Now: finished w/ this blog. longer than what i thought.

Not myself...

Yesterday I had one of those days where you just don't feel like yourself. I wasn't responding like myself. I didn't feel like I knew quite how to feel. I was tired, but not really. Awake and alive, but not really. I don't know why! I wonder what makes me feel that way! Maybe it was just one of those days... They're kind of nice to have once in awhile...kind of makes me more introspective, reflective, or dependent on God. Sometimes it teaches me to seek only reassurance from God and not people. I think those days are good once in awhile, but boy are they weird!

Today I think I'm back to normal...at least I feel like it! It's Friday and finally I feel somewhat rested...good thing, in case I want to have a big shindig of a Friday night! I don't know what the plan is, however. We'll see...One more wedding to attend tomorrow...counting down the people who are engaged and yet to be married, and still counting down the days till I myself am one of them...counting down from what number? Eternity. Don't get me wrong here...I'm not in a big hurry at all, that's for sure! But I definitely look forward to it! I won't pretend that I absolutely love being single...there are days when I do...but then there are days when I'm impatient. For now I'll enjoy getting creative ideas from other people's weddings.

How about this beautiful weather? Nice? I think so. Warm, perfect days...Cool, breezy, chili, football game, and bonfire-kind-of-nights. I like it.

One week from tonight? Dave Barnes & Matt Wertz...Illinois Wesleyan University...8:00 p.m...Doors open @ 7. Be there.

October 12, 2004 is coming...

What a great day it will be! It's the release date for Shane & Shane's new album, "Clean." Go to www.shaneandshane.com and you can listen to 3 of the songs from the new album while their new website is being built.

Also if you're interested in promoting them more and getting some free stuff, click on the thing that says "Help promote S&S" and you can fill out some info to get posters and fun stuff as well as 2 free concert tickets to one of the listed tour dates. Can you tell I'm on the street team? Oh yes. I am. And for my boys Matty Wertz & D. Barnes. 9/24 (concert @ IWU) is coming soon!

Today...
On my face: a smile and tired eyes.

In my mind and on my heart: lots of thoughts on leadership, spiritual gifts, etc., & excitement about house churches w/ Fuel--starts tomorrow!!!

On my head: too much curly hair that is annoying me today

On my desk, ready to be read: "Renovation of the Heart" by Dallas Willard

In my ears: Starfield...good stuff...I'll share!

Can I Stay Here Forever? by Starfield...

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I’ve been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You
Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt,
they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?
I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You
Can I stay here foreverHere with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You
Can I be here foreverHere with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You

After Focus at LCC on Wednesday night and a lot of thinking later on that night, I had a ton of ideas running through my head. I ran with one of them, and this is what my journal reads from that night:

"...JK spoke about the idea behind the Good Samaritan and left us with this thought--'God uses the helpless to help others. Blessed are those on the campus of LCC who are more helpless than they know...Welcome to ministry.'

The helpless are usually left to remain where they are. Like lepers. Untouchable. Not good enough for society. Unclean. Unwanted. Impure. Unhealed. Full of disease, pain, and loneliness. Why do we continue to leave them where they are? They're the ones who end up teaching us the most in the long run! Actually, haven't we once been helpless ourselves? Helplessness is where faithfulness begins and grows. It's where one realizes there is nowhere else to turn.

I feel helpless sometimes as a single 21 (almost 22)-year-old female, like I did last week when my car broke down. I felt like I could do nothing on my own. I depended on people to help me make decisions, tell me where to go, and give me rides. Sometimes that's all you need when you're helpless--a way to get from here to there. But when you're helpless and on that journey from here to there, you somehow have the opportunity to affect more people than yourself.

Think about it. If you're the opposite of helpless, you've pretty much got it all together right? When you've got it all together you'll never need to interact w/ or rely on a single other person. You can handle everything on your own. How can that be useful in ministry? It can't! Reliance on people and interaction is where ministry happens. So, you see, it's important to become like the helpless.

It seems as though w/out the helpless we'd have much fewer stories to read about Jesus in the gospels. Almost everyone he interacted w/ was helpless and look how much we learn from their lives and stories! It gives us a guide for our own--from both Jesus and the helpless. Jesus took risks. He lived dangerously and took chances on people whom no one else would. He didn't keep to himself b/c he had everything under control, although he could have if he wanted to. Instead he helped the helpless. That's ministry. That's our call.

Take a chance on someone. Someone who might be a loner. Annoying. Frustrating. Too prideful. Too sinful or dirty. Too greedy. Flirty. Too lustful. Too quiet. Too ugly.

Take a risk. Take a chance on the helpless...because either you are one yourself or you were at one time! Maybe you'll find that you're the one who really needed the help more!"

That's the end of my journal entry from Wed. Please note that this was meant to be self-directed and not at you or anyone else. But take encouragement and a challenge from it and see what happens!