Valentine's Day, He's Just Not That Into You, The Bachelor, and Thoughts on Love...

I'm a sucker for love stories. I love romantic comedies like the next girl, and I get caught up in shows like The Bachelor even though I try (sort of...) not to every season. And probably like most viewers, I overanalyze every relationship "the bach" has. From my observations I can clearly tell who is the best match and who is real and who is superficial...surely I am omnipotent when it comes to The Bachelor's life, right? Probably not. (especially because I didn't see tonight coming, but that's another story...)

But there is something that has always bothered me about the way love is pitched in the movies and on television: the phrase "falling in love."

Does one really fall into love? You fall into holes, you fall on a banana peel, or you fall down the stairs. Those things are accidental. I don't know anyone who goes throwing themselves down a flight of stairs or off a cliff on purpose (except for maybe the guy on Jackass). I don't think that love is accidental, and I'm fairly sure that most people in love would agree that it didn't happen by accident. Most would probably agree with me that love is, in fact, a choice you make (or choose not to make).

As one who has never actually been in love, maybe I shouldn't write from my inexperience. But I've observed, I've listened, and I've witnessed countless relationships from beginning to end, and from beginning to growth...and those that continue to grow only grow because two parties choose love. The relationships that end typically end because two parties choose to end it.

What saddens me most is that there are so many girls out there who buy into this "falling in love" idea and end up hurt. There is such a misunderstanding of what love really is. And I can honestly tell you that I can in no way understand it fully until I share it with someone else. I realize that. But tonight when Jason Mesnick, the Bachelor, claimed as he broke up with Jillian that he "had fallen for her but was not in love with her," I realized what lies we've told ourselves. Can you say that you've fallen for someone but you're not in love with them? I'm confused... But I would imagine that anything you "fall" into, you might "fall" right back out of in just as much time.

On a related note, in the way that we all buy into this "falling" idea, we also fall prey to the "signs" and "sparks" we think may exist. The movie He's Just Not That Into You addresses this well for those of us girls (we all do this, or have done it, or will do it) who read into every little word, action, touch, text, email, facial expression, hand gesture, etc. that guys express. Did he say "It was nice meeting you" at the end of the date or just the beginning? Did he say "I'll call you later" or "I'll call you next week"? Did he just touch my hand? He hugged me...what does that mean? His friend told me "I've heard great things about you." He must like me...

I'll be transparent in saying that I have read into things one too many times. (how can you not?) When watching HJNTIY I had to laugh at a few parts (to which my single friends also admitted) that reminded me of things I've done or read into in the past. I've been on the side of "he's just not that into me..."

But I've also been on the side of "I'm just not that into you..." and I know I've handled it all wrong. I avoid the truth and any confrontation that might hurt someone's feelings, so often when I am not into someone, I've come up with other excuses. (if somehow you're one of those people now reading this...i'm sorry...i'll just be honest now: i was, or am not, that into you...) Though it may be harsh, isn't honesty always the best policy? It's going to hurt either way...so why not rip off the Band-Aid instead of making the pain and foolishness last longer? Right?

However we are dealt the truth or a lie is bound to play a role in any future relationship. It may build up a lack of trust that could take years to rebuild. We build up walls that take years to tear down. Vulnerability feels like moving a mountain that sometimes crashes right back down on top of you once you've moved it.

But I imagine, and I trust, and I hope that love will change all of these things. As hard as it is to get to that point, I have seen that it is worth getting through past hurts and the vulnerability of making mistakes and the lesson of forgiveness and the difficulty of tearing down walls. And I hope it is worth it. I believe it will be, even though not all love stories have happy endings.

I imagine that love, in the process of building it, is healing. I imagine that love, in the daily choice that it is, is difficult. I imagine that love, in the unfolding of all of its deep dark corners, uncovers beautiful things.

I look forward to love. Real love. Chosen love.

:)

So I just found out today that the Jonas Brothers have a song called "Mandy" (and it just so happened to be their first released single).

That kinda made my day.

miscellaneous

Here's a smattering of things:

1. I'm considering switching over to Wordpress. I'm not 100% sure. But I might. Any suggestions? Opinions?


2. I'm in Springfield (IL) right now and it just so happens to be the night of Obama's speech in honor of Lincoln's birthday. Whoops. So of course major roads get blocked off, but I ended up pulling into the parking lot of the mall just in time to sit amongst many other cars waiting for the presidential fleet...and I saw it! Kinda cool. Maybe the only time in my life I can say I saw the president drive by. Then again, who knows?
   
3. I am really hooked on this lately:...particularly the Blood Orange flavor. I've been going to every natural foods store nearby to try and find it. It's amazing. Next flavor I'm going to try: Blackberry Cabernet. mmm...sounds yummy.


4. I'm excited that one of my best friends is pregnant, and I just found out that another one is!!! YAY!!! (I'm not telling you who it is yet...just in case.)


5. Related to #4: Gosh, I'm getting old. When certain friends are on kid #2, and I'm still just trying to find a date to various weddings, I have a feeling their kids are going to be babysitting mine someday...


6. Related to #5: I really dislike Valentine's Day, and before you go judging me, it's NOT just because I'm single. Even if I were dating or married, I would still much rather be surprised by flowers, a card, dinner, or whatever else on a random day of the year when not everyone else in the world is getting the same thing. I'd be fine w/ just a silly Barbie valentine like back in the day...or maybe a Jonas Bros. valentine ;)


7. I'm going to Florida again in one week. In fact, I'll be there in one week. And then again in April. Don't hate me.

the Grammys

Did anyone besides me watch the Grammy’s last night? This may be a bold statement, but I think last night was possibly the BEST night of Grammy performances I’ve ever seen.

For starters, the collaborations were INCREDIBLE!!!

• Justin Timberlake & Al Green? Come on, can it get any better? and then JT again with T.I. - any double dose of JT performances I can get, I'll take...
• Miley Cyrus & Taylor Sparks were absolutely adorable...and they sounded incredible together!
• And I realize for being 26 years old, I may have an unhealthy fascination with the Jonas Brothers, but their performance with Stevie Wonder was completely unexpected and great!
• Sugarland and Adele were amazing as well...what a surprising combo!
• Kanye West & Estelle...so good.
• the tribute to Bo Diddly (not gonna lie, I really don't know who that is but I should) with John Mayer, BB King, Buddy Guy, and Keith Urban. WOW. Fascinating combination.
• Lil' Wayne & Robin Thicke - Robin's soul is so unexpected coming from his voice. You'd think he'd be black.
• OK, not a collaboration, but Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" made me so happy. I just love that song.
• the tribute to the Four Tops with Smokey Robinson, "Duke" Fakir, Ne-Yo, and Jamie Foxx - loved the old songs...loved it.
• Radiohead performance with the USC marching band? WOW. I flipped back to the show (while also watching Brothers & Sisters) and only caught the 2nd half of this one, but AMAZING! Loved the drumline.
• Not sure how to comment on the "Swagger Like Us" combo with very preggo M.I.A. and Kanye, T.I., Lil Wayne, and Jay-Z, other than to say that little mama can hold her own w/ those guys. Though I do think she was slightly dressed like a preggers ladybug...
• Coldplay with Jay-Z in the beginning of "Lost" was awesome. But you all knew that was coming...of course they were awesome.
• Do I really even need to comment on U2 and Paul McCartney? I'm pretty sure Paul got plenty of recognition throughout the night...

I just can’t get over how music can get me so excited! Yet everyone I texted about the great performances had something else going on last night, so was anyone else watching? There is something about a great musical performance that gets me excited about creative artistry. There is some incredible talent out there in this world.

And then, of course, celebrities with absolutely no talent do exist, but that’s another story...

It’s overwhelming sometimes just how talented so many people are. In fact, that’s a large part of why the music and entertainment industry overall is so cutthroat-competitive. As many artists out there that are known, there are probably twice as many great talents who have yet to be discovered or who are just on their way to climbing the ladder of success.

Music is so powerful. For some a song is just a song...instruments combined together, sometimes with lyrics, maybe even some vocal harmonies tossed in. But to those of us with an artist’s heart, music carries the weight of emotion, power, passion, and story. Even in rap and hip-hop music, though some would argue it to be pointless, there is a great deal of power.

Most of the time, it’s the lyrics that get me. But there’s something about great instrumentalists jamming together as well. I love seeing the heart of the artist playing or singing coming out in their music.

I’ve always loved music. Ever since I was little, I’ve always been known to sing along to whatever is on the radio, on a commercial, on the soundtrack of a TV show or movie, or in the background at a restaurant or store. Wherever I may be, I’m always listening for the music. I guess it’s just a part of me. I'm still a human jukebox or my own walking version of the Shazam application people have on their phones. Because no matter where I am--speaking both literally or metaphorically--I’m always looking for the music.

So thanks Grammy’s...I’m sure glad you decided to make this year a great one. You revived my heart for music, and I hope you’ll help music to revive our generation for things that are good.

And for a pretty good list of the "best" and "worst" comments of last night, check out MSN's compilation.

Did anyone else see them? What did you think???

"winter me"

It's winter, and I'm officially lazy.

Most nights I come home from work, put together some thrown-together meal (usually consisting of a salad, sandwich, or vegetable of choice & pan-seared salmon). I then proceed to my wonderful couch (on which I could pretty much live all day, minus going to the bathroom and getting up to get something to eat), to watch TV or reach the ends of the internet via facebook, various blogs, or editing photos for fun.

That's usually about it. Sometimes throw in many consecutively addicting games of spider solitaire, and I'd call it a night.

I know I've been lazy. It's easy to do in the winter. I don't work out, because I only like running outside when it's nice and warm, and I don't like going to the gym on campus because it's too busy most of the time. I have been lazy about reading my Bible and reading books in general. I just don't make the time. I haven't been writing, which is usually how I process my "deep thoughts" or things I've been reading.

(Sidenote: I have been fairly creative in painting and creating some other things, however...pics to come in future posts...)

But I need to start practicing discipline again. I'm not exactly sure how yet, but I need to put it into practice. Tonight I actually went to the gym to work out for the first time in months (thanks to Lindsey's encouragement!) and then sat down and ate my meal in silence...no music, no TV, no internet in front of me. And then I just read my Bible and a chapter from our SFG book, and it felt good. It felt like the normal me. Not the lazy me. And though the normal me likes to be lazy sometimes, I can't let that part take over.

But I don't like routine, and I don't like rigid schedules. I like to be flexible and play things by ear. How does one practice discipline and do this? And how does one practice this without inflicting self-guilt? Any words of advice?

It's always an endless cycle for me of going in and out of phases of discipline and laziness. I'm hoping to stay on the disciplined track for awhile...

teaser trip

You probably know by now that I absolutely despise the cold. And I really love warm weather and beaches. And sunsets on beaches. And a good fruity drink while eating outside wearing flip-flops, a swimsuit, and a cover-up. With good friends.

I got to do this last weekend in Ft. Myers, but not for very long. It was kind of a teaser vacation, because most of my week being gone seemed to be spent in transit from one place to another. As noted below, I flew to NYC for a night, then to Ft. Myers for 3 nights (keep in mind, this only meant 2 days at the beach...which is not enough for me), and then to Boston for 2 nights, and then back home. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the few days in sunny Florida and a short escape from icy Illinois. I just wish it were longer!

Here's a few pics from the trip:

jetsetting

I realize I've neglected to write anything of substance for quite some time now...so I'm hoping to use my upcoming week of travel/vacation to actually "vacate" my mind and sit and write a bit. We'll see what happens. I have high hopes for reading and writing when I travel, but I always end up people-watching instead. Or playing spider solitaire. Pray that I get motivated to read or write!

This weekend is my post-NYE trip with the BCG's (well, part of them...just me, Faith, and Becka)...which was originally planned to be in the Caribbean, but it has now become a weekend in Florida. I'm just happy to see a beach for 2 days...better than snow and negative temperatures!

So tomorrow I fly out to NYC, where Becka currently lives, to meet up with her. I'll basically be in the city for about 12 hours...just enough time for me to hang out at a coffee shop (OR maybe grab some Pinkberry if I'm lucky..., maybe catch up with Whitney Port? Just kidding...) until she's able to meet me, and then we'll get some sleep before catching our 8 a.m. flight to Ft. Myers, FL. Faith currently lives in Boston, so she'll meet us at JFK. She's moving back to NYC in about 3 weeks, and we're using up her last few buddy passes through JetBlue to enjoy our little excursion! So thankful for that!

After spending the weekend in Ft. Myers, Becka will head back home to NYC and I'm going back to Boston for a few days with Faith. I've never been to "Bahston" before, so I'm excited to explore a new city!


Here's to hoping I come back with a little bit of a tan...just 2 days worth...

inauguration comments, pt. 2

I think it's so interesting that CNN has now embraced the "power" of the facebook status. It's blowing my mind how the world is using facebook status to communicate about the inauguration, and really, about anything.

More to come on this, but if you're interested in laughing as much as on election night, tune in to www.cnn.com and watch the ongoing live stream that shows a parallel facebook stream of statuses.

inauguration comments

If you remember, I posted a list after the election results of all of the ridiculous facebook statuses that I saw. I considered doing it again, but I think MSN.com captured it well enough by allowing America to share their thoughts in a 20-word-or-less thought on their homepage.

I've been watching it for 5 minutes and I'm already entertained and intrigued.

Been a Long Day

I really like this song, and while posting the lyrics to a song is kind of a cop-out post, I really don't have much to say...except that Rosi Golan's voice is beautiful, and so is this song. You can listen to it here.

Been A Long Day

Its been a long day and all I’ve got to say is make it strong

Its been a long a day and all I’ve got to say is I’ve been wrong

So take a leave of absence,

tell me you’ll be gone,

I don’t want to see your face.

Its been a long day and I just wanna hide away

Its been a long week and all the lines come down heavy on me

Its been a long week I’m finally feeling like its ok to break

Into a thousand pieces,

no one can replace,

only I can find my way.

It’s been a long day and I just wanna hide away
It’s been a long year and everyone around me disappeared

It’s been a long year and all this mess around me is finally clear

So can I have a moment?

Just to say hello.

Can you let your anger go?

It’s been a long year and I’m finally ready to be here.

Thanks to One Tree Hill for always having awesome music...

And in case you're a fan of the show's music like me, you can find music from any episode here.

if you need a "laugh"

You should go to this "website"

Did I catch an oh-niner in there?

It's funny how a New Year comes upon us. Literally one minute--no, one second-- it's 2008 and then suddenly, it's 2009! It creeps up on you, without harm and without any room or time for slowing down and somehow along the way giving us reason to celebrate.

I enjoyed the company of 2 friends of mine at a nice little piano bar on New Year's Eve as we toasted the end of 2008, which wasn't so much our favorite year, and celebrated a fresh start. I'm always up for change and new beginnings. At least if things aren't going as planned, I like a chance to start over. Even if life is going just smoothly, I'll always welcome a chance to begin again. It kind of reminds me of grace.

2008 wasn't bad for any particular reasons, but every year (at New Year's and on my birthdays...) I claim that "this is going to be my year!" 2008 wasn't really "my year" if I'm looking back on it. It was alright, but I wish it would have been better. I'm hoping 2009 will be the year...for what? Again, I don't know. For newness, for change, for good things. I'll always welcome that, and I'll do what I can to make it happen. I want to live boldly this year and choose the Kingdom over myself, even though my tendency is to choose me.

I'm always excited to see what the future holds...and though I wish I had a crystal ball to see into it, I'm a little perplexed by the mystery that is the unknown.

But here's what I do know about this year:

~I get to spend time with Faith & Becka for our post-New-Year's-celebration (for the last 3 years we've spent New Year's Eve together...originating in Times Square in 2006...but postponed this year) to go to the Caribbean!!! Though it's only about 2 weeks away, we're still not locked into where we're going, but it will either be Cancun, the Dominican, or a cruise to Cozumel/Costa Maya...thanks to Faith's final few weeks working for JetBlue and her buddy passes she's so willing to share!

~I have the honor of witnessing the beginning of marriages for several of my friends in the upcoming year...

~I will be taking my third group of LCC students to Romania to work with Rachel Ross & Forget Me Not Ministries...and I'm so excited to see those sweet kiddos again.

~My family will be going to Florida together for probably the first family vacation in, like, a long time...definitely since Cory & David have been married and Maddy & Evan were born.
~I'm hoping to start embracing my creative side a little more. I've been inspired lately and love how artistic, creative activities make me energized. I'm realizing more and more this is from God and not just an outlet for me, so I'd like to use it for bigger purposes. Maybe taking classes, maybe just painting some canvases for people, maybe learning some graphic design, who knows?

~I'm definitely going to read more. I've slacked off (big time!) this past year, and I hope to read and finish at least 15 books this year. That's maybe lofty, but it's a goal I'm setting.

~I will learn to be where I'm at completely. I'm always looking forward to the next thing, but I'm learning to be right here, right now.

~I am going to learn to save my money, which I'm completely terrible at doing. I'm not sure how this is going to happen...especially with an upcoming cruise, family vaca to Florida, overhanging credit card bill, student loans, car payments, my hope to buy a Mac sometime soon, my need to pay my mom back for my furniture, etc... I WILL save money. Maybe I need to find a second job or something.

~I will be 27 this year. Wow. At least I've got like 8 months till then.

What's happening for you in 2009?

I should be cleaning...

I really hate when people avoid things that need to be done, but I have to admit I'm one of those people when it comes to overwhelming projects.

I am off from work this entire week, and I have a few daunting tasks that I'll eventually guilt myself into getting done. For right now, I still haven't showered for the day and I've only accomplished one load of laundry (that has yet to be transferred to the dryer), one load of dishes in the dishwasher, and created more of a mess on the floor of my 2nd bedroom than previously existed. I'm clearly avoiding my mental to-do list.

I might need to write it down or type it out.

I have so many projects I need to do, and I'm in the mood to purge my apartment of the things I don't need anymore. I take after my grandma Shirlye in that I hold onto anything that has any sentimental value, memory, or tradition. I have a hard time getting rid of things. I'm ready to purge, clean, organize, and sort. I feel like when my home is clean and organized, so is the rest of my life.

My projects are going to be these this week:

• Sort through old paperwork, bills, etc. and find a filing system that will work for me
• Reorganize my kitchen cabinets
• Purge my closets of the plenty of clothes I DO NOT wear but think that someday "I just might need..."
• Go through all of the stuff that is taking over my 2nd bedroom and throw things away!!!
• Put away my Christmas tree :( (maybe...I might try to keep it up a little longer...)
• Organize and utilize the recipes that are not in cookbooks I've collected in one kitchen cabinet
• Sweep, mop, dust, vacuum, etc. (typical cleaning)
• Clean out the bathtub and scrub the kitchen floor (which happen less than they should...)
• Redecorate my living room getting rid of red & green accent colors (not from Christmas, but those have been my accent colors for a long time) and bringing in brighter colors--orange, yellow, and green. and maybe turquoise.

I clearly have a lot to do. I'm just not sure where to begin. But I've begun getting out all of my paperwork and filing folders to attempt the first task on my list. Right now it's all on the floor.

Any suggestions for organizational methods? I might have to go through some RealSimple magazines to find ideas.

Clearly I have a lot to do...

2 years.

A lot can happen in 2 years.

People grow up. People change. Some might fall in love and get married within 2 years. Some have babies (or maybe two) in 2 years. And sometimes things don't seem to have changed much even though they have.

Just today in the backseat of the car, my 5-year-old niece Maddy asked me, "Do you miss Papa?" out of the blue. We weren't talking about him, nor did we see any fire trucks, and we were probably just singing along to the Jonas Brothers in the car. But something triggered this question in her mind...maybe some innate reminder, maybe she somehow knew...that tomorrow marks 2 years since her Papa, my dad, has been gone.

I turned to her and said, "Of course, I miss Papa...but he's in heaven now."

Her response wasn't quite what I expected: "I bet he's mad..."

"Why do you think that?" I asked.

"Because it's probably not fun in heaven. If he's sick there by himself there isn't anyone to take care of him."

So I explained to her, amidst her many questions about fairies flying in heaven and thinking that you just lay in bed sick in heaven, that it's a good place. (Because she last saw my dad in the hospital, she has a hard time comprehending that heaven is not a glorified hospital.) I tried my best to assure her that Papa is happy there and that he's just waiting for us to join him there someday. She asked about Papa Don's wife (my grandma) being there, and I let her know that it's her Papa's mommy, my Grandma Mary, and that she's taking care of Papa there. They're both there having fun and waiting for us.

It's an interesting thing to think about what heaven must seem like to a 5-year-old, or even a younger child. I remember the morning that my dad died wondering how Cory & David were going to explain it to Maddy's 3-year-old little self. They told her that Papa went to go be with Jesus. Her response was this: "I don't like that Jesus..."

We had to laugh a little, even amidst our sadness. It was hard not to want to feel the same way. Though she didn't and still doesn't quite understand who Jesus is, I pray she'll come to know that Jesus came to give us a hope that we can cling to even when we don't want to like our reality.

When you go through a loss, even if you love Jesus, it's hard for some not to blame Him and to understand why God could take someone you love out of the world. But in all things, good or bad, there is a purpose that we cannot understand or comprehend. And we wait in hope for the day when someday our lack of understanding combined with our faith will become knowledge and sight.

So as tomorrow marks a reminder that someone I love is no longer in the world, I also remember that there is a heaven we long for, a purpose I cannot understand, and a hope I can cling to even when it doesn't make any sense. There is a place we can look forward to...where there is no more pain, no more crying, no more hurt, and maybe, just maybe...there are even fairies flying around.

While 2 years have gone by both quickly and slowly at the same time, life is much different. I've learned a lot, maybe haven't changed much, but I am surprised by the peace I've had that I don't understand and the hope that constantly sustains.

And I know this:
Heaven is only something we can imagine in this life, and at that, probably far from its glorious reality, but I'm certain that it's going to be good...with or without fairies.

-ings list

It's been awhile since I've made one of these lovely little dangling participle lists, so here's what I'm up to:

Eating--Vienna Finger cookies and leftover chili from last night. And some fresh walnuts...

Reading/Finishing--a great little novel by Laura Dave called London is the Best City in America

Listening--just downloaded today the album Advent Songs by Sojourn (my favorite church in Louisville) for FREE on Noisetrade. You should check it out--there are tons of great indie artists and others who are willing to share their music for free as long as you share it with other people!

Looking--for the last few Christmas presents I need to get for my mom and sister

Wondering--how warm it's going to be in Cancun or Aruba or the Dominican Republic in January when I go there to celebrate NYC (New Year's Caribbean...though in late January) with Faith & Becka...

Waiting--for lots of things...I'm always waiting.

Praying--for Ben Towne and his family in Seattle, who continue to watch his 3-year-old body suffer through a horrible cancer that somehow has yet to steal his joy. Read their journal here...

Planning--our annual HS Girls retreat, Awaken, at LCC and getting excited about it!

Loathing--this cold weather. And wondering why I still live in Illinois?

Loving--Paperbackswap.com. I keep getting great books from people around the country and I'm able to share books I don't really want/need anymore. And the best part is--you only pay for the books you ship out, but you get the ones you want for free! I'm awaiting the arrival of He's Just Not That Into You...which I feel I need to read these days. And looking forward to the movie coming out in February!

Mourning--that I just finished Season 4 of One Tree Hill and don't yet have Season 5. But I'm sure I'll find it online :-)

Avoiding--lots of little projects around the apartment that I need to go do...

Digging

A few weeks ago I was reading through Hosea, and for some reason kept reverting back to the same verse over and over again. Hosea 10:12 reads:

Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.

I had memorized it, repeated it to myself, planned on doing a devotion on this, and changed my mind at the last minute, because I couldn't figure out how it was yet to play out in my life. That "break up your unplowed ground" part kept haunting me, and I couldn't figure out what my unplowed ground was. I think I'm starting to dig.

If you've read my blog before or know me, you're probably well aware that we're approaching the 2 year anniversary of my Dad's death. It hardly seems like it's been 2 years, but then again sometimes these 2 years feel like forever. And this time of year, though joyful for most, can be difficult for some who are grieving. Don't get me wrong, I still love Christmas and I still get excited to listen to my Christmas music and drive around to look at Christmas lights and love that magical, whimsical feeling that comes in this season. (Except for the cold...which I think is absolutely anything BUT magical.) But it hasn't been the same for the past 2 years. It's harder (not impossible, just harder...) to find reasons to be thankful in the midst of loss, and it's hard to celebrate when you feel like there's someone missing out on the celebration.

As this 2 year mark approaches, we're beginning to dig up some truths in the circumstances surrounding his death, which is bound to be a difficult and long road ahead. We're finding ourselves in the beginning stages of a lawsuit that will hopefully uncover truth, answer questions, and give our minds some peace and resolution. We know that no lawsuit, no amount of money, and even no apology from doctors who may or may not have been negligent in his case will bring back my dad. But we do know that the truth can set you free, and in this particular case, the truth might just bring solace and peace and freedom in that way.

So we're digging.

And tonight, after a long day of being in Chicago, I just happened to sit down to relax and catch up on my regular blog-reading, and found a couple posts from 2 friends, completely unrelated to one another, with which my heart resonated. Christine and Chantell have had this similar struggle in the Christmas season to truly celebrate and realize what hope Christ brings, is, has been, and will always be, but they reminded me tonight of these very truths.

Christine, in the midst of decorating her house and seeking that whimsical feeling we all long for amidst the twinkling lights and that cozy feeling of Christmas, felt that something was missing. She reminded me tonight with this post that it's the Word becoming flesh that we all seem to be missing.

Chantell, while celebrating the life of her grandmother, now mourns the loss of her granny's life here on earth as well as the earthly life of her daughter Regan, who passed away earlier this year. It seems that when loss rains, it also pours. There is so much sadness sometimes, and grief can be overwhelming. I realized as I read this post of hers that our gratitude for Jesus, simply, should be just as overwhelming. HE IS HOPE. There is no other hope.

So tonight, after I read these two friends' thoughts, I realized that the unbroken ground I needed to dig through was simply to get to the heart of Jesus. My unbroken ground was dirt that had hardened, my heart that had hardened, with complacency, apathy, and lack of gratitude. It is HIM that I have not recognized. I haven't been thankful for HIM. And tonight I am getting out my shovel to break past that hardened ground and find the heart of Christ in the softer soil.

And so I will continue to dig...

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree...

I really love my Christmas tree. In fact, for the past 2 nights I've slept on my couch (not that I don't already love to for the fact that it's so incredibly comfy!) just so I can lay and look at the pretty lights and ornaments sparkling in the corner. There's just something about having a Christmas tree in my living room that makes it so much more comfortable, takes me back to my childhood and traditions and memories, and leaves me in peace and wonder.

I remember decorating the tree when I was little, with some of those old Avon and Hallmark ornaments that used to be collectibles, and some ornaments that we made at the church Christmas night, and one in particular that I remember my friend Bo giving me when we were probably about 7. It's a little elf man whose legs curl up under his arms and when you pull them out he looks like a jumping elf. Kinda strange, but the memory is still there.

We'd usually decorate the tree with an old Christmas record spinning under the needle, usually Kenny Rogers Christmas or Amy Grant or the Chipmunks. I miss that old record player. Boxes of decorations and ornaments would be strewn about the living room, pieces of silver tinsel mixing in with the carpet, and lights all tangled up. Maybe we'd have just baked some cutout cookies with the powdered sugar & milk icing (with red and green food coloring) and sprinkles, or some wreaths made out of marshmallow, Corn Flakes, and Red hots as the berries...

We used to buy real Christmas trees until one year when we awoke on Christmas morning to presents covered in sap and little spiders stuck in the sap all over the place. Needless to say, we took the tree down that day and my parents bought an artificial tree probably the next day for future years. (That happens to be the tree i now have in my living room, I believe...)

I have always been one for tradition, and this year I think a new one began. Kate started "The Great Ornament Exchange" on her blog and about 80 people around the country, mostly complete strangers, participated in this opportunity to exchange ornaments and little notes with one another. I just sent mine off yesterday to someone in Oregon, and I received mine today from someone in Massachusetts. How fun that complete strangers are brought together over Christmas ornaments?

And I must say a heartfelt THANK YOU to Jenn Z. for sending me not one, but TWO great ornaments that look beautiful on my tree, along with a great little book and a note! How thoughtful! Here are the ornaments she sent me:

And here's my colorful tree in its entirety...with the flash.

And speaking of color, though completely unrelated, here's a long overdue picture of me and my darker hair. It's not all that dark, really, but a little reddish. And still a change :) I already need it cut and possibly a touch-up on color. My hair grows like a weed.

Back to the Christmas trees...I hope yours offers you some peace and wonder. Take a few moments each night to just sit and stare at it. Maybe sleep in your living room with the lights on one night, just for the fun of it. And enjoy the treasures of each ornament, each tradition, each Christmas memory.

I Need Africa...

If you haven't read my post from last week, you might be wondering what I'm talking about when I say "I need Africa more than Africa needs me." So read on, and check out the Mocha Club website to find out more as well. They are launching a campaign to help move our hearts "from pity to partnership" with Africa. Check out their page for more info on this new campaign launch!

I NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS ME

When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. “I am needed here,” I think. “They have so little, and I have so much.” It’s true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in the people. It’s a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day. [read more]


Also, if you need any great gift ideas for someone and would like to support the Mocha Club in the process, check out these great new American Apparel (super soft) t-shirts for the campaign!

I need Africa more than Africa needs me...

I was asked by the Mocha Club to write about why "I need Africa more than Africa needs me." If you aren't familiar with it, Mocha Club is a community-based website where members can start a team and invite friends to join them in giving $7 a month – the cost of 2 mochas – to support a project in Africa. Mocha Club's vision is to provide a way for people who don't have hundreds or thousands of dollars to make a difference in Africa.

When I joined Mocha Club a couple years ago, I cannot honestly say that I would have agreed with the statement that "I needed Africa more than Africa needs me." My intentions were good and compassionate, filled with hope to provide change for women and children in Africa that desperately needed it. I knew that my $7 a month could do something to help them and felt I was making a difference, and like many of us do in those times, I felt proud to be giving and compassionate and generous. I realize now that my $7 giving each month has not only helped change other people, but it's changing me.

You might think I'm crazy. Sure, Africa needs our help! America is wealthy, and with the trendiness of so many celebs reaching out to adopt babies or dig wells or raise awareness, it might seem that Africa would be devastated without our help. I beg to differ. God created Africa for a purpose, and it wasn't so that we would learn to give and be generous. It was so that we would realize that we may have needs even greater than theirs.

I've never been to Africa, but what I've seen in pictures and heard from those who have, it is much different from what is portrayed through the media. When watching the news it seems like Africa is dark and dim, filled only with devastation and poverty and hunger and death. But from what I've seen, we are not in a much different place here in America. We face a different kind of death and poverty and hunger and devastation.

I look at our culture, overflowing with iPods and GPS systems and the latest trends and gadgets. I see that real relationships have been replaced with a somewhat false sense of community through facebook, myspace, and texting, and humans have no idea how to build relationships face-to-face without an iPhone in hand. We have plenty to eat; in fact, we are probably wasting more than Africans or other people in the world see in an entire year. We have clean water. We even pick and choose what brand of bottled water we want, with flavors and minerals and vitamins added. We complain about jobs that require 40-80 hours a week, but they provide a salary of more than $2.00/day and ample healthcare (even in our changing economy) and plenty of other resources.

It seems to me that America, too, is a country in dire need. We need to recognize that our needs might not be materialized in the form of water, food, housing, or clothes. Instead, what we need to find is how to love, how to hope, and how to live. I pray that along with the coming "change" that is proclaimed with our upcoming president will come an open, teachable spirit in America. We often think we're the ones to become the "Savior" to other countries in need, but what can they teach us? What can we learn?

To think that Africa needs me is completely selfish. Our God is bigger than America; He is bigger than my $7/month, and He is bigger than all of the world's wealth. He is bigger than any world leader and any strategic plan to eliminate hunger and poverty. He doesn't need us to save people, but He does desire that our hearts will seek to create change and love people.

When we look at countries in poverty we often attribute to them a lower status in our self-created hierarchy of humanity. But if you're anything like me, when you visit another country that seems more in need than we are, you return to America realizing that we are in fact the ones in greater need. I have seen deep need in places like Haiti, remote gypsy villages in Romania, and in the post-Katrina state of New Orleans. Each time I return from one of these trips I find it odd that I have been the one more blessed. My work may have made a slight difference, but it never compares to the difference in me.

In giving $7/month to Africa through the Mocha Club, I'm doing very little, really, to help. But in doing so, I'm recognizing the need in me to give, to be selfless, and to be humbled.

The people of Africa have hope much stronger than mine in much harsher of circumstances. For that, I need them.

They know how to love one another and live in true community. For that, I need them.

They know how to live with little and with simplicity. For that, I need them.

They live with greater joy, a deeper hunger for the Lord, and a mightier thirst for His Word. For that, I need them.

Indeed, I need Africa more than Africa needs me...do YOU?

PLEASE...share your thoughts in my comments section. Start a dialogue about this. Write on your own blog about this. Join in the worthwhile cause of recasting the damaging images that force pity over partnership.

still alive...

I am still here, despite what little writing I've done lately.

I've been in Tulsa this weekend for the National Missionary Convention, and I really should have worked on compiling a list of all of the crazy Christians that were there. I have been to enough conventions like this and the North American Christian Convention to be able to say that some Christians are just strange, weird, socially inept people. And I always seem to have the privilege of running into them.

I had my share of people come up to the table at our LCC booth to ask a question, and not unlike many strange kids at college fairs, they continue to stand there expecting the conversation to continue. Now my job requires quite a bit of small talk and the ability to hold a conversation, but sometimes it is just impossible. And I'm not yet sure what to post about the girl who walked around holding a sign offering "Free Hugs" to everyone there. A sweet gesture...but really? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm too cynical and mean.

But aside from all this, I plan on writing a bit tomorrow about this concept of missions we have...