Friday, April 29, 2005

wanna know something funny?

On a completely different note from my previous post this morning, I thought I should fill you in on this:

This morning I woke up to the 7 a.m. singalong on WBNQ. what did they play?

Oh was Paula Abdul's "Cold-Hearted Snake."

Yessssssss..... I love it.

It was a whole lot easier to wake up when I could wake up dancing in my bed. :-)

Today I will make a difference

Last night I pulled off of my bookshelf Max Lucado's book On the Anvil. I have never read this before, and I also realized that it is Shelly's book (among all her other old LCC books that I still haven't returned and no longer need! I'll get those back sometime Shells!) But for some reason, I randomly fingered through the pages and read a few chapters, but this one...chapter what I need to tell myself daily. I am typing it out here so that as I type it comes out my fingers, seeps into my brain, more into my heart, and it is shared. Maybe next weekend I'll thank Max personally when I'm in San Antonio for these words that he shared 20 years ago.

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the 24 hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble... I will get up. It's OK to fail...I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend time with those I love. My family, my friends, my co-workers, the people I see daily. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my family, friends, or co-workers.

Today I will make a difference.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

caedmon's call

And this is my Caedmon's Call post.

Despite their obvious Calvinism, I'm a big fan of Caedmon's. There are days when I pull out 40 Acres or Long Line of Leavers or I long to find the old self-titled that I've lost somewhere, and I remember how much I love their songs. There are so many of them that I instantly hear and decide "this one is my favorite" and then I find another and decide that IT is my favorite. I won't choose a favorite, b/c they're all favorites. ("...cherry and grape are both favorites...they're both good...")

So this morning as I struggle to find words to write about anything else in my life, I'll tell you what my favorite Caedmon's songs are. (in order, of course, of their cd's)

There's a Stirring
This World
Bus Driver
Coming Home
Shifting Sand
Faith My Eyes
Table for Two
Petrified Heart
Somewhere North
Love is Different
Valleys Fill First
Piece of Glass
Carry Your Love
Hands of the Potter

Not that any of you really care, but I just thought I'd share these. It is almost for my own sake, to actually see how many of these songs I love. Man, I miss the old stuff. Nothing will top the 1997 self-titled CD or 40 Acres. Those are the best.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

today: a glimpse of my long week

Here's a little tale about my morning:

As of last night I have no voice. I was sort of sick Monday & Tuesday, then it started to go away until it got worse on Friday with an accumulating cough. Then my voice began to gradually fade while I was in Springfield shopping, and this morning I woke up and it was completely gone. It couldn't have been a worse morning for that to happen. Let me tell you the story...

First of all, today we had an Early Registration Day for new students to sign up for classes. Of course it's a part of my job to be there, so the plan was to be there at 8:30. Went to bed last night, set the ol' dual alarm clock for 7:00 and 7:30. Woke up this morning from a very vivid dream because I heard someone playing the piano downstairs at Einstein's, looked over and saw my alarm clock flashing. I freaked out for a second, sat up very quickly, remembered where I needed to be, ran to the living room to check that clock to see the real time, all the while hoping it would say earlier than 8:30, but to my dismay it read 8:43. I checked to see if anyone had called my cell yet wondering where I was, began to call the office and let them know what happened, and then realized I couldn't call b/c I had no voice and no one would hear me on the other line. So, I ran through the house throwing my hair into a ponytail w/ some added hairspray for fun, threw on clothes that didn't need ironing, applied enough makeup to make me look presentable, slipped on brown sandals (which I later regretted when I found out that it was winter outside), forgot to grab my parka that I thought I had left in January, jumped in my car and sped off to campus. I arrived at 8:54. (Yes, record time I think!)

And when I arrived, I could barely do my job of mingling with students & parents without a consistent voice. Sometimes I open my mouth and words come out, sounding like a growl, and sometimes it looks like I'm whispering. So, I just smiled and waved to people I wanted to talk to and felt extremely rude and held back by not being able to hold a conversation. I'm pretty sure my co-workers probably thought for the first 25 minutes when I wasn't there that I just decided not to come, because I was in a bad mood at work on Thursday and Friday. They probably thought I just wasn't going to show up and that I quit. or maybe not.

It was quite the morning that I wasn't expecting to have to end this looong week. Nevertheless, it was my Saturday morning.

What I've realized today is this: it is quite lonely to not have a voice. I can't talk to anyone. I can't contribute to any conversation. I can't say what I'm thinking. I can try to explain myself, but it's hard to get the words out. I can't silence my thoughts by singing along with music. I can't even try to sing, because no words come out. I feel worthless and useless. At least I can write, which is why I'm blogging right now!

Losing my voice is certainly not my favorite thing. I will, however, enjoy when it returns just enough that I can call it my sexy, wispy voice. I have always loved getting that. Just call me Phoebe.

I'll leave you with some final, more positive thoughts. These are a few of my favorite things:

~an Orange CreamSlush from Sonic (mmm....yummy)
~my velour J-Lo outfit in this exact color that I'm wearing at this exact moment. So comfy.
~the feeling of comfort after putting on Blistex Lip Medex when your lips are parched
~a good laugh
~a perfect cup of vanilla tea made w/ just the right amt. of milk & sugar
~being able to write all I want since I can't talk
~being able to write all I want even when I can talk
~Ty Pennington's compassionate heart
~my sweet hip-hop mix CD
~being able to listen to Missy Higgins for free from her website -- (sorry i write about her all the time...just happens to be when i'm listening to her!)
~when my niece cuddles up to me or hearing her sing "keeenup, keenup, everybody body keenup..." over and over again
~a semi-sweet Ghirardelli's Chocolate baking bar that I can savor piece by piece and excuse it b/c this is my week to eat lots of chocolate...if you know what I mean. I will eat it as much as I want. Any other week I hardly even like chocolate.
~sleeping on my living room floor when my bed is empty 10 feet away. for some reason, i love sleeping w/ my fluffy old comforter on the floor
~knowing that i'm not so desperate that i'd have to give into the ridiculous piece of mail that i received this week announcing that I could find "The Right One" by simply filling out their mail-in personal profile. Thank God I will never be one of those offense to any of you who may do that, but that's not me!
~beautiful afternoons like this past tuesday that i spent just walking around the Riverwalk in Naperville just taking pictures, laying in the grass w/ my flip flops off, and being able to just relax.

That's all for now. hopefully i'll get to bed early tonight and wake up w/ a sexy, wispy voice. :-) sweet dreams everyone!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

oh, just a few things of note.

I looked in the mirror this morning (well, this afternoon...i slept till 12:30) and realized that I'm pretty sure my nose is crooked. That's cool.

Had SUCH a great time hanging out w/ Kunjali and Sadie last night in Champaign. It was so good to see friends from high school and catch up!

I LOVE my new CD's from Kunjali: The Postal Service, Zero 7, Frou Frou, Jem, and Jeff Buckley. Thanks girl--you're the bestest!

Am grateful for life lessons learned from Rick Hornbrook's funeral. Chris did an amazing job of preaching at his own dad's funeral, and it challenges me to remember what this life IS all about.

I have no agenda for today, but it's beautiful outside and I just want to play in it!

I need to balance my checkbook.

Someday soon I hope to be able to write something of meaning and purpose in this blog...I just haven't had time this week to sit down and write a lot in here and I probably won't in the next week or so. I hope to soon, though, so do not fret my friends!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Today I....

-Again, can't get enough of Missy Higgins. Ten Days is the song in my head, and this line is on replay in my mind: "'re still the only one that feels like home..."

- think I'm ready for a good rain.

-am looking forward to my trips to San Antonio, Colorado, and Georgia over the next 3 months.

-think singing is one of the things that makes me the happiest.

-like my springy skirt even though it is cooling off outside.

-dislike 2 things about my job and it makes me want to go somewhere new...but then I realize that I also really like my job a lot of the time.

-just overheard my boss talking about a conference in Orlando? i doubt i'll be getting to go, however...

-am going to eat all the Monical's pizza I can eat for dinner. Thanks for calling me and inviting me Aubs!

-realized I have decisions to make about living arrangements and roommates and I need to figure that out soon b/c I won't be able to afford living in my apt. this summer alone...

-want to go run around outside and play if it rains and it's warm enough...

-wish I was better at a lot of stuff...

-am fine w/ my apartment looking like a disaster. And, I'm happy with sleeping on my living room floor for no apparent reason. Yes, my bed was open and empty, but I have always liked sleeping on the floor, and it was nice last night.

-have a heavy heart for a lot of people...
-am trying to make that my focus instead of my own world.

-am one day ahead of yesterday, but I'm on the brink of tomorrow.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

How are you?

So lately I'm frustrated with the wishy-washy question of "How are you?" Most often we ask and answer this as a greeting, very nonchalantly, and I'm guilty as charged. I probably ask without truly caring, and I know that I answer without truly meaning what I say as well.

So I'm trying to think about it more. I'm sure we've all heard stories about those who are VERY guilty of pulling the "How are ya?" thing w/o ever listening for an answer. Many of us could probably attest to this person whom I will refer to as Person A. Here is a true story.

Enter Person A, walking through the hallway.
Enter a Person B, walking the other direction.
Person A: Hey! How are ya?
Person B: (knowing that person A does not really care, he answers) I'm gay, how are you?
Person A: Good! Great! Great! Awesome!

(and, scene.)

Because I'm aware of this story it makes me more conscious at times when I ask and when I am asked, "How are you?" I have a hard time answering, because most people expect a one-word answer. "Good." "Alright." "OK." "Eh." or something like that. Of course you have those who say with proper grammer "Well."

I have no solution to this, because I will probably continue to answer with one word most times, but I will make an effort to answer with the appropriate word instead of just "good" all the time.

Here's another lesson learned in this (Kunjali you'll appreciate this!): if you're ever in German or speaking w/ a German and you're asked "Wie geht's?" (short for "Wie geht es?" which means How's it going? or How goes it?"), do not answer "Ich bin gut," which in translation might sound like "I am good." This tends to give the impression that you're good sexually, so it's an inuendo of sorts. Instead, your answer should be "Es geht mir gut," which means "It is going good/well for me."

And that, my friends, was your Deutsch lesson fur heute (today).

Maybe I'll just start throwing people off by answering in German....
probably not.


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

it's a new day

I cannot get over how beautiful the mornings are in this weather. And the nights. The middle of the day isn't even my favorite part; it's mostly the mornings and the evenings. It's just so much calmer and more peaceful at 6:45 a.m. when the sun is rising and at 9:00 p.m. when the world is settling down again.

Do you ever have a day or two that just seems like forever, and then something happens and you feel new again?
You regain some kind of sense of self.
You recapture your vision.
You maybe even discover a new vision.
Your worries fall to the wayside and turn into prayers.
Your selfishness disappears and you recognize the needs around you like you've never seen them before.
You feel the sun and the moon smiling on you, and you're romanced the sweet smells of spring that float through the breeze.
You find purpose in something greater than what you thought it might be.
You see people for who they are and realize that everyone is just human.
You talk to a friend and realize that it feeds something inside of you that you didn't even know you needed.
You find a good book, a quote, a thought, or a song that speaks to your heart in ways that nothing or no one else can do.

I do. That was my yesterday.

And this morning I feel refreshed.

Monday, April 04, 2005

I wish...

-I wish my eyes were cameras.
-I wish I could be outside all day today instead of in an office until 6:00 or later.
-I wish I wasn't feeling jealous and I wish the jealousy didn't make me act differently.
-I wish Jamie Cullum and Missy Higgins could sing to me all day long with new music all the time.
-I wish I could sleep a little later in the morning.
-I wish the names and papers on my desk were more organized.
-I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve.
-Sometimes I wish I would wear my heart on my sleeve more.
-I wish I knew what to do with my life.
-I wish I knew what to do with love.
-I wish I began with prayer more often instead of turning to it as a last resort.
-I wish I could eat Olive Garden alfredo sauce and breadsticks every day.
-I wish that if I did that I wouldn't get sick of it.
-I wish we had a Baskin Robbins or Streator's ol' Time-Out Ice Cream in Lincoln. (for my faves, Daiquiri Ice, and Bubble Gum--respectively)
-I wish I knew more.
-I wish I would be wiser with what I know.
-I wish I read more.
-I wish my stomach and my nerves were not connected.
-I wish I didn't worry so much.
-I wish I wasn't so sensitive.
-I wish I had that cute polka-dotted satin shirt from Target that I tried on yesterday.
-I wish I had more patience.
-I wish I didn't get upset about not being personally invited to places.
-I wish I knew where I should move, when I should move, what I should do if/when I move.
-I wish I had my roommate situation figured out for the summer and next fall.
-I wish I had more time to spend w/ every single one of my friends.
-I wish my friends all had time to spend w/ me too!
-I wish I had money to travel more.
-I wish my lips weren't so dry and that I didn't have to put Lip Medex on them every 5 minutes.
-I wish I could be outside in this gorgeous 75 degree weather instead of in my office (oops, I just realized I already said that.)
-I wish I didn't have to stop making this list to make some phone calls. But, that's what I should do.

What are your wishes?
(I know someone is thinking this: "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good--I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat...")

Friday, April 01, 2005

i have no clever title for this post...


In spirit of them, I'm sporting an orange shirt today as well as this orange font.

I think I would win an award for color coordination if ever there was one.

No plans for tonight, but it's kind of nice considering I haven't felt like I even live at my apartment lately. But if something comes up, I'm game.

House-sitting/dog-sitting for Cory & David tmw night, so ILLINI party @ their house. Not really. Just people over to watch the game...I'm not up for entertaining and party-planning. Just hanging out.

This was a good week. How was yours?