apply this as you'd like

I’ve been coloring in the lines
with a certain shade of red
But what if it's the wrong color?

I’m filling in the spaces with
this picture in my head
But what if I’ve got it all wrong?

-from the overflow of my fingertips, just had to write it down...do with it what you will. I don't really even know what it means yet....still determining.

finale...what finale?

oh, and since I've kept up on every Bachelorette episode this season, it's quite a surprise that I may not even watch the finale tonight. I don't care much, because I'm pretty sure Jen isn't w/ either one of the guys anymore.

Instead, i'm having people over. maybe we'll watch it, but I doubt it. i'd rather enjoy the company and watch jen's so-called love life at a later date.

i long for manic mondays...

Why is it that I complain when I'm bored at work? I should be thankful, but due to my self-diagnosed adult ADD I cannot sit still. I must constantly be doing something. So at this moment, I'm blogging to keep myself busy. It's only 8:40 a.m. and this week is already boring to me.

It's spring break here at LCC so the kiddies are gone. Josh is in intensive class, Nate will be on the road, and so the office is down a couple people. There are a few things to keep me busy and I'll have my Media Player to keep me company, but it'll be a long week. Maybe a nice breath of fresh air?

Again, I should be thankful.

Friday morning

...some -ing's for your day:

-Singing in my head: Randy Travis's "Forever and Ever Amen" song...which I HATE and have no idea how it came into my head.

-Wondering: what I'll do tonight

-Hoping: to see Hotel Rwanda soon

-Smiling: because I just got a package in the mail. It was some street team postcards from Relevant Magazine to hand out to people...

-Wanting: our new LCC publications (coming very soon) to look even cooler than these Relevant cards.

-Searching for: a song I liked on a Banana Republic commercial the other night

-Exciting: I get to see L.A. and Randall (friends from JBC) this weekend!!!

-Finding: that I need a new method to waking up in the morning...something other than snoozing my alarm clock 6 times.

-Needing: a Starbucks Caramel Apple Cider...maybe I'll just go get one...it's so dangerous working next to the coffee shop

-Rejoicing: I just found the Banana Republic song!!! It's called "Are You Beautiful?" by Chris Pierce. And I think I like him a lot...

-Wishing: I had all the good indie CD's in the world.

on blogging and memories of old CD's

So I've been thinking about this whole blogging thing (I wish there were another word for it...I hate that word!), and it's so intriguing to me. I think I'm realizing that it fills some hole in my life that sometimes may be a need for more conversation, more depth, more openness, more creativity, more realness, or maybe just to organize my own thoughts or feelings by seeing them in writing. It depends on the day as for which hole it might be filling. And sometimes blogging fills no empty space at all other than the blank screen in front of me. Those are just my thoughts on blogging...

Here is my random, no-hole-filling-blog for today.

-Last night I realized I'm still bitter about CDs that have ended up missing, borrowed, or stolen. They include:
*my Caedmon's Call self-titled...my favorite of their CD's
*Plumb's Candycoatedwaterdrops, even though I now have a burned copy
*my Now and Then soundtrack
*a good hip-hop mix CD that I loved
*my old Five and NSync CD's that Justin Pouk borrowed and lost in H.S.
*a Passion worship CD that I'm not too concerned about really
*Shane & Shane, Upstairs (recently noted as missing...need to look harder)

-I love to say or hear "FLAVA FLAV!!!!" especially when it's repeated by my niece.

-What CDs have you lost over the years and are you still missing???

UpSIdE doWn WOrLd

God is shaking things up inside of me lately and it's blowing my mind. I can't even choose words to explain. It's probably not evident in my daily life or anything, but it's just a part of the process of life. Reminds me of the book "The Interior Castle," which I've never read, but would love to.

Read Psalm 86.
Let it sink in, and pray for an undivided heart.
We've been divided for too long.

My heart is being molded each day in some different way...with my own insecurities, my feelings about people or the Church, my beliefs about Christ, my fears, my thoughts on social justices, and so much more...

Let yourself ask questions.

Tasha from Dividing the Plunder said this on Sunday night (in my own words):

"I used to think that doubt and faith were enemies. Then someone reminded me that really they are each other's companions. Without doubt our faith wouldn't really be faith."

I'm not really in a place of doubt, but it makes me realize that sometimes it is good to be there.

Bachelorette Recap: The Men Tell All

I don't have a whole lot to say about last night's episode, other than this: I miss Ben, Ryan, and Wendell and I'm pretty sure that those guys aren't going to have a hard time finding a new girl...one much better than Jen. And thank you Andy Firestone for recognizing that Ben is a great guy like Ryan--very few people ever noticed him!

And my weekly memo to Jen: I don't think I really like your decisions anymore, and I wish it didn't seem like you're just after these guys for their money. I have a feeling you're probably not even still with the guy you chose...

And need I say anything else about John Paul's face? I know, I'm mean. And I'm sorry. Well, kind of. He just creeps me out.

Dividing the Plunder

Check these guys out...

"Perimeter of Me" is my new favorite song:

Your wind is mighty - it bends the backs of trees
Moves among the fields along these Pennsylvania streets
We've come to know as highways - they can take us anywhere
But all we know is where we're going And how fast we're getting there

Well, the world outside my window is shaming me again
With the things I haven't seen cause I've been writing about them
The sky's a waiting witness to the truth I would possess
But I've forgotten all its mystery in my quest for second best

And I want to live with wider eyes,
There's far too much to see
To think of nothing else
But where I've been and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom
That is waiting silently
In the life that's just beyond the small
Perimeter of me

Your rain is mighty, it weathers mountainsides
It raises the Ohio 'til it looks a mile wide
And I think that I have crossed it on this bridge a thousand times
And haven't even seen Your river from the corner of my eyes

Well, I'm frightened by how easy it can be to live so long
Going from one thing to the next thing, to the next 'til months have gone
And you realize you have really not done anything at all
At night you fall asleep believingYou've just climbed so you could fall…

And I don't believe that who I am is something I can find
It's whatever I create with what I do with all my time
It's who I choose to love with all my heart and strength and mind
And whether I believe that what I have is really mine…

things i feel like sharing

*the deeper thoughts*
~I need to make a lot more lists and begin organizing my life. Beginning with my things to do at work, then house church, then other details such as taxes, bill-paying, etc. I think that lists help me feel more in control rather than feeling like it's all swirling about and I have no grasp on it. And of course, I need to keep in touch w/ people better, but I'd hope to never reduce people to belonging to a list. But sometimes I do.

~I'm figuring out something new about myself every single day, I swear. Learning about my own insecurities and working & praying through those is such a process, but it's worth the growing pains.

~I'm getting really excited about my job lately. It's turning from a "like-my-job" situation to a "love-my-job" one. We're just reorganizing, it feels like, and we're rearranging gift mixes w/ job responsibilities that makes me more excited to do what I do. (Good thing, b/c it's def. not the $$ that keeps me here...wait, make that just ONE $ sign.) Plus, there is a really good possibility for a HUGE HUGE HUGE increase in scholarship money we can offer to recruit with over the next 5 years. THAT is also exciting.

~The idea and possibility of love just fascinates me. I don't even know if I'm at the crossroads with it or not, but I feel closer to it. I will share no further details, but I just feel like the clouds are slightly breaking on something I've prayed about for years...we'll see, I guess, i'm probably still just daydreaming!

~the future is still so uncertain to me, and that's scary but exciting. I've had people ask me to move to California, New York, Indy, Chicago, and who knows where else, and I have no idea where I'll go someday. Right now I'm right here. That's all I know.

*the not-so-deep things to share*:
*Jami Smith is leading worship tonight at Eastview...should be pretty cool.
*my mom and dad are so good to me and i'm thankful for their generosity
*i'm also thankful for cory, david, & maddy's generosity to me...can't wait to go get my massage at the spa that madelyn belle went out and got me a gift certificate for...
*i love my empty extra bedroom in my apartment...wish it had mirrors on the walls and it would be my dance room...for now, i love the acoustics and i like to sing in there. hope it doesn't bother my neighbors! haha.
*i REALLY wish i could download stuff on this computer so i could post pictures. that is SO annoying. i guess i can just upload them on myspace.com and ya'll can just look there.
*36 minutes left till my weekend begins...what will i do with it?

just wondering...

I think I may have lost some of my common sense somewhere along the line. I'm not dumb, right? I think people don't think I'm very smart for some reason. Nate just made fun of me b/c I asked what the picture was of on his desktop, and he said "the moon." It was just a picture of the moon up close, but it looked like snow to me. I have a similar picture that I took once of a snow angel I made, and I swear it looks similar. Or maybe I'm just digging myself a hole even deeper. I will prove someday that I am smarter than people think.

Blog #2: the sky

This was the color of some parts of the sky this morning. And this was the color of other parts. It was soooo beautiful, in a weird way. It wasn't sunny out, and it seemed almost gloomy and like some parts of the sky were about to downpour off in the distance. But it was beautiful. And the smell outside, along with the colors of the sky and the clouds hiding the shades of blue, reminded me first of Haiti 3 years ago. I'm not sure what it was, but it reminded me of the cool, crisp mornings in Haiti, eating breakfast at Wall's Guest House (w/ yummy fresh mango!) on the patio or the open part of the 2nd floor. It brought back memories of that and how it would later be extremely hot and then it would rain down floods at night. And then it would be nice again, a pleasant night to sit on the roof or the porch of the guest house and sing songs under the stars.

I love the way a morning sky can bring peace. And calm. And joy. And newness. And the smell of fresh air makes me feel like I'm breathing in new breath. And new mercies.

Sometimes I love the morning.

Blog #1: Bachelorette Recap (Week #6)

Alright...I'm pretty sure we're all convinced now that Jen Schefft is absolutely crazy. She has now let three amazing guys go home: Ben, Wendell, and now Ryan? Come on Jen, seriously! What in the world do you want? What are you looking for?

I'll say this--I'm pretty sure she's not looking for something realistic. She's worried about the guys getting caught up in the moment on the show, but really she's the one caught up in the fairytale dates. The only somewhat realistic date she had last night was w/ Ryan, and she honestly admitted that they communicated on the same level and "spoke the same language" and he's "the perfect guy to be a husband and start a family with." Needless to say, Heather, Kate, and I were absolutely speechless and left w/ our jaws dropped when she said Jerry's name instead of Ryan's. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to throw my pillow at her on the TV.

She says that she wants something real that will last, but she goes for the guys who I can't see anything lasting with. Jerry cannot communicate with her on the same level, because he'd rather avoid those conversations of depth. I don't know, maybe she'll bring him to her level and he'll be better for it. I'd still rather have him than John Paul. I can't see at all what she's interested in him for other than his money. It certainly wouldn't be attraction, for me! I can't handle his mouth...we all know I've said that many times.

In fact, I practiced making the John Paul face last night and I think I've got it down. I used to make this ugly face sometimes when I was younger where I flare up my nostrils and it kinda reminds me of a horse or something. Now it reminds me of John Paul. It was pretty funny last night, but I can't hold the face for long without laughing.

Dear God,

This is my morning prayer to you right now.

Please give me patience for the small annoyances that are driving me insane at this moment...such as these:

-my boss's loud voice that I cannot drown out simply by turning up Dave Barnes on my Media Player.

-the super squeaky screeching noise that seems to come from somewhere within the wall of my cubicle. I have no idea what it is or how to stop it!

-Can I skip my 9:00 am meeting this morning? I don't like to talk in the mornings...especially Monday mornings.

-I know it will be a long day b/c it is Monday, which means I'll have to stay at work late with student reps calling. Plus, it's Valentine's Day. It will be a long day.

Thank you.

babysitting

So I'm babysitting Maddy, but she's already asleep. Where I will be soon, and it's only 7:48 p.m. I will definitely be out in the next hour or so, unless ABC Family continues to hook me further into Hope Floats.

Just had to share that I love when Maddy falls asleep on my lap. Cory said she would do it, and I just love it. I always love watching her little fingers tickle my arm or rub her baby doll's feet as she's slowly falling fast asleep. It is priceless. And precious.

That's all. I will soon be falling fast asleep myself.

crazy weekend & other thoughts

This weekend is going to be nuts. I'll also have you know that this color matches my shirt today. As always. I love to match my fonts to my clothing or mood. Anywho, here's the agenda:

3:45 pm - leave work, go home, prepare for bachelorette party
7:30 pm - Bachelorette party at my apt. for Lindsey Jones, girls staying at my apt. tonight

9:30 am tomorrow - poms practice for alumni poms dance on tuesday that i don't know
10:30 am - Lindsey's other Bridal Shower
12:00 - go home, pack stuff to go to Bloomington
2-4 pm - service project for Fuel
4:00 on... - babysit my funny niece Maddy.

Now that you all know my weekend plans, I'm sure you're relieved. You can wipe the sweat from your brow and sigh b/c you know now where I'll be at every moment.

Moving on to my random thoughts...

-Since when did those half shirts that you wear over another shirt and tie in front come back into style? i will NOT give into that fashion statement.

-opened a bottle of Riesling this week and found out I really like it. of course i'm not a wine connoisseur, but i do like this stuff.

-I'm hungry. and skipping lunch so i can leave early today. i think i'll get a "smoothie" from the warehouse. wish they were made w/ real fruit. as kate and josh would say, i am quite a "smoothie snob." I admit it. I am.

-I'm a big fan of the gift I'm giving Lindsey tonight. I had fun w/ it. I hope when I get married someone gets me something similar!

-why in the world am I blogging? i have ten million things to do! yes, 10 MILLION. Maybe BAJILLION! not really. but i'm out of thoughts to share w/ the public. peace.

weird day

Today is weird. I don't know why. But it's weird. Unexplainably weird...and it kind of has been a lot lately, like not just today. Not a bad weird, but a good weird...like I'm on the brink of something new or good. I don't know. Maybe it's just the hope of that. In the past two weeks or so there have been opportunities coming and going for different stuff, doors opening and closing. It's just funny to see how God works in the commonplace, even when I'm not thinking about it.

And I even have that nervous feeling in my stomach, like something's about to happen. I kind of hate that.

From Aspen to Chicago (Bachelorette recap Week #5)

Jen is sending the good guys home...first Ben to Aspen, now Wendell back to Chicago...what next?

If Wendell wasn't 32 I might just go look for him in Chi-town someday, but unfortunately that's a whole 10 years older than me...i'm like a third of his life younger than him. I guarantee he'll have no trouble finding a girl who loves him after the show.

I don't know what's going on w/ Jen & John Paul...how can she be even slightly attracted to him but not Wendell? Still confusing to me...

I do like Jerry a little more this week after seeing his family, but he needs to be less concerned about his image and more concerned about just being real w/ Jen and open w/ her.

Ryan's family freaked me out a little but I do think Jen and ABC overemphasized the Thailand thing...they just got back for heaven's sake! Give them a break! Ryan is still cute but for some reason I don't know if I'm feelin' it...I just don't know.

From here on out, I really don't know what's going to happen. My predictions have sucked thus far, so I'll stop making them!

I do know this: at least Extreme Home Makeover's "How'd They Do That?" show never lets me down on Monday nights!

Monday Monday

*loving Monday meetings b/c they go by so much faster that way.

*tonight will, of course, be the blessed Bachelorette night. Can't wait to see what happens tonight...although I'm not as excited now since Ben is gone. She's missing out.

*saw The Wedding Date on Friday--very cute. an obvious chick flick, w/ some heart-wrenching one-liners such as these 2:
~"I think I'd miss you if I had never met you."
~"I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else."
I'm a sucker for those romantic lines...

*Super Bowl--who freakin' cares? Not me. Or I guess I should say who cared? I didn't.

*Project of the day: Thanks sister for the incredible idea from International Male magazine. She somehow was sent the hideous catalog, so I took it for inspiration for a friend. Tore out 3 funny pages (one lovely lavender suit w/ matching shoes, a "sexy fishnet long sleeve top," and some scary silver metallic pleather pants) and printed out pics of Nate's head from his staff ID picture, cut it out, and taped it onto the pages. I put them on his desk w/ a note that said "Thought you might enjoy these additions to your wardrobe collection...There's more where that came from." We all enjoyed an afternoon of laughter after that. Actually it only lasted like an hour, but it was fun while it lasted.

*additional humor: not to their knowledge, I also subscribed Nate & Josh both to receive that catalog here at the school address. Can't wait till it comes in through the campus mailroom. Go to www.internationalmale.com and sign up some peeps...it's a good laugh.

*finally, yes, I do work. Sometimes.
Just kidding, I do.

The Wedding Date

I'll be enjoying a little GNO (Girls' Night Out) w/ Kate & Chantell to see the new movie tonight. I hope it's good! I'll fill you in on Monday. Or even tomorrow if I'm bored on a saturday morning.

a nice end to a crazy week.

enjoy yours and i'll enjoy mine.

peace.

I feel through music...

...and this is what I have felt: last night, today, the past week, and for the past 4.5 years, off and on.

Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell On You) by Aqualung
I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen to me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head
but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do sometimes

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

Still upset, but on the lookout (a.k.a. Bachelorette Recap Week #4)

First of all, yes I can't stay away from checking my email for a day, so I'm in the office at 7:00 p.m. after being gone all day at a really good recruitment seminar in St. Louis.

On to the REAL news...I am STILL mad about last night's Bachelorette. Ya'll have read my predictions and comments thus far, and my said predictions have been wrong. I guess I had it all wrong. I thought Jen and I were alike, so I thought our thinking would be similar in this: get rid of at least John Paul or Jerry and KEEP BEN YOU IDIOT!

I'm mad for several reasons:
#1: obviously because Ben is gone. Yes, yes, I know they didn't get to know each other and he didn't even get a chance! I just don't understand why she didn't make more of an effort to begin with, nor did she make the right decisions in the end. See below.

#2: Jerry is a player. A flirt. A charmer. Whatever you may call him. She's not real around him. She turns into a flirt and what "relationship" they currently have consists of little to no depth. It's mainly kissing, touching, and flirting. We all know that won't last long. (well, I guess not WE, but you all...I can assume.)

#3: John Paul over Ben? Seriously Jen. I know ya'll had a good date last week but can you really live w/ that half-smile thing for the rest of your life? Is there even a chance?

OK those are my reasons for being mad. Ryan is CLEARLY my choice for the end now. He's great, and I hope he wins. That's all I have to say.

I'm off to Aspen, CO to find Ben and learn how to ski.